Shit.
Somehow he'd managed to deny that it would hurt her as bad as this, convinced himself at some point. Maybe because he'd been kidnapped for most of that time, pushed everyone he cared about out of his mind so She wouldn't see them, wouldn't learn about them. He was so good at that, too good at it. It wasn't the first time he'd pushed them so far out of his thoughts that he forgot them, could only glimpse a flash of color or a whiff of a scent every now and then in his memory. Not that she knew any of that, and he wouldn't tell her. It wouldn't make it any better, wouldn't change a damn thing.
"Okay," she said so softly, trying to hold herself together. Her voice trembled as she continued, and his eyes turned sharper and stayed forward away from her. "You said yourself you didn't think I could--so I guess...I guess that makes sense."
He tensed and forced himself to stay still when everything in him wanted to snap at her and hug her tight, never let go until she knew it wasn't her. She hadn't failed him. She'd been wonderful, exactly what he'd needed. He'd been stupid, again. He'd fucked up again. He caught the attention of a powerful woman and was her puppet for a time. None of it was her fault. He was a complete idiot, it was all him.
And he was such a worthless POS that he couldn't even tell her. Wouldn't. They sounded like excuses and she deserved better than that. Better than anything he could give her.
"What now?," she asked quietly. "Maybe I had no right to expect anything, not with where we left things before..." It felt like a slap, a stab. One he deserved, as he always did. "But obviously a lot has changed since then. So...where do we stand now?"
Fuck, he just wanted to drag her ass in and hold her, lay her under him and worship her gorgeous body another time, show her it definitely wasn't her. She was amazing. And fucking delicious. And worth so much more. But he couldn't. Because that would confuse her, and confuse the fuck out of him too. And because of Heartfire, or whatever he was to her. He still didn't even fucking know if they were together or not, if she was off sleeping with whoever-the-fuck she wanted when she was away, if he was a total idiot for not immediately shoving Diz beneath him and reminding her what it's like to scream in joy from so much pleasure.
God, and he knew exactly what she looked like when she did it, exactly how she sounded, how her sexy dark hair fanned out around her. He could hardly fuckin' breathe, getting himself worked up just remembering it. He shot to his feet and paced away, his body locked up tight and tense, his skin flushed with heat. He paced back, paced away again. He couldn't even catch a moment to fuckin' think straight. Geez, how long had it been since he got laid now?
"Fuck," he breathed. God, okay. He had to get a handle on this. He wouldn't-- he couldn't even-- she asked? Something. "Shit." Oh, hell. If he was with Heartfire, she was gonna fuckin' kill him. No, it's fine. He didn't fuck her. No kissing. Not even a cuddle or some shit. It's fine. Getting fuckin' hard and restless totally doesn't count. They had history, some really fuckin' steamy history. A lot of it. It was like a bodily habit, that's all. Sure, exactly.
Besides, he probably wasn't even with Heartfire, so what the fuck ever. Okay, but he seriously still had to get the hell out of here.
"I gotta go," he dropped hastily as he walked away. God, a nice cold soak in the damn sea oughtta set his idiot head straight again. Straight to the water, then. Exactly where he was going. Absolutely. Back in a bit, only gotta run like hell before he manages to fuck up his life again. So good at that.
we're slaves to any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit but we love it too much
