like the bullet you never saw coming; beth

[adna]

one touch will make you so nervous you might stop breathing
one touch will make you so reckless you might start feeling
one touch will finally show to me what you can't hide

Moments with him feel like eternity. They feel like no time at all.

She could be suspended here, hung between the spaces between his every breath or it could pass in a blur, moving so quickly that she doesn’t even have a chance to catch her breath. It is part of that strange wonder of him, she thinks. Part of that strange otherness that somehow has her on its tenterhooks.

He doesn’t say anything and she thinks for a second that he won’t.

Perhaps she has finally pushed him too far.

Perhaps he didn’t need to be pushed at all and he was just ready for her to leave. She would not blame him if that was the case. She would not blame him for wanting her out of his space. Maybe she should leave Taiga entirely. Maybe she should give him the home and let him have it.

But before she can move away (although she does take a step, reluctant and pained), his voice catches her and she stops. Her vision goes slightly blurry and then focuses as she looks at the ground, nothing but a frown pinching her mouth as she tries to catch her breath and remember that she can survive this.

She considers lying and saving him the awkwardness of it.

But for all of her flaws, she has never been good at deception.

So instead she just looks at the ground beneath her, unable to catch his eye. “Who’s else would it be?” she says, trying to inject some levity in the words but failing. Because what she is really saying is that she can’t imaging touching anyone else. She can’t imagine letting anyone else touch her. That one night has ruined her, and she isn’t sure that she will ever recover. She isn’t sure that she will ever be the same.

But these things go unspoken and live in the bunched muscles and tightness of her body.

They settle in there and she just swallows hard before shaking her head.

“Yes. Yes, it’s yours.”

ADNA