02-05-2017, 01:50 PM
Call me Xero.
I know. Weird, right? I asked my mom once what she was thinking naming me that. How could she name a kid something that meant nothingness, that meant emptiness and absence, like she was cursing me to nonexistence? To being the absentee older sister I’ve been, drifting out of the lives of my siblings when they were still so small, never quite reconnecting with most of them, never quite managing to be a part of their experience or their existence. The sister who barely was.
The sister who was all but forgotten, all but nothing to people who should have mattered more than anything.
Mom tilted her head, her brow furrowing the way it does when she’s puzzled or confused or deep in thought. “Because, baby girl,” she told me, and I’ll never forget what came next. “You were it for me. Like every moment that led to you, I was counting down, not knowing what would happen when the timer ran out. Five, four, three, two, one. I thought your Momma Luna was my life, you know? My whole life, my everything. And I didn’t get to meet your big brother until much later, didn’t really understand what it meant to be a mom until I looked at you. Zero. The big moment. The start of everything. I looked in your eyes, and I knew my whole life had just gotten so much bigger, baby. There was no more countdown, because every single moment mattered. Every single moment was zero.”
Turns out weird grows on you.
I still managed to be that absentee sister, never quite in touch, never quite a solid, tangible part of most of their lives. God, I hope that changes. But I’ve tried to make it all count, like Mom said. I spent a hell of a lot of it with her and Drow, though, and his little Dara. Close to one sibling, anyhow, even if the others have felt so far away. And he’s helped me reconnect with Dare - or Rys as she likes now. We’re still not close, per se, but...well, I’ll take closer. Baby steps, right?
I missed my chance with Tarnished. And...well, none of us but Drow ever had a chance with Dröm. Maybe it’s for the best I didn’t have a chance to love him. Strangelet’s somewhere out in the wide world, hopefully with Noctem still a part of her life, though goodness knows how she’s faring without her strange brand of magic-not-magic. Maybe she and Gendry found each other. I hope they’re together. Drow said they were always close, even when Strange was a tiny girl. And no one has seen either of them since...well, since Beqanna changed. Not the whole world, because I’ve learned it’s far bigger than just this land. But Beqanna has changed drastically since the last time I set foot here.
Maybe I’ve changed drastically too.
Hell. Maybe a fresh start is for the best.
Hello, Beqanna. I’m Xero. No more countdown. Let’s make every moment matter.
I step into the Meadow, blinking at the bright sunlight shining down on eyes that feel brand new. All of me feels brand new, and for once it’s nothing to do with Mom’s ability to patch up wear and tear, to wash away damage to our bodies in a wave of warmth and love. God, I miss her. It’s been years and I still ache, tears welling up when I remember...but I promised her I’d make the most I can out of the life she gave me, even if she’s not in it anymore. So I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and wish a little love her way, wherever her soul ended up. Whatever afterlife exists, I hope it’s a beautiful one. I hope she’s at peace. Maybe even with Momma Luna, after all this time.
Then I open my eyes and walk forward, into the first moment of the rest of my life.
I know. Weird, right? I asked my mom once what she was thinking naming me that. How could she name a kid something that meant nothingness, that meant emptiness and absence, like she was cursing me to nonexistence? To being the absentee older sister I’ve been, drifting out of the lives of my siblings when they were still so small, never quite reconnecting with most of them, never quite managing to be a part of their experience or their existence. The sister who barely was.
The sister who was all but forgotten, all but nothing to people who should have mattered more than anything.
Mom tilted her head, her brow furrowing the way it does when she’s puzzled or confused or deep in thought. “Because, baby girl,” she told me, and I’ll never forget what came next. “You were it for me. Like every moment that led to you, I was counting down, not knowing what would happen when the timer ran out. Five, four, three, two, one. I thought your Momma Luna was my life, you know? My whole life, my everything. And I didn’t get to meet your big brother until much later, didn’t really understand what it meant to be a mom until I looked at you. Zero. The big moment. The start of everything. I looked in your eyes, and I knew my whole life had just gotten so much bigger, baby. There was no more countdown, because every single moment mattered. Every single moment was zero.”
Turns out weird grows on you.
I still managed to be that absentee sister, never quite in touch, never quite a solid, tangible part of most of their lives. God, I hope that changes. But I’ve tried to make it all count, like Mom said. I spent a hell of a lot of it with her and Drow, though, and his little Dara. Close to one sibling, anyhow, even if the others have felt so far away. And he’s helped me reconnect with Dare - or Rys as she likes now. We’re still not close, per se, but...well, I’ll take closer. Baby steps, right?
I missed my chance with Tarnished. And...well, none of us but Drow ever had a chance with Dröm. Maybe it’s for the best I didn’t have a chance to love him. Strangelet’s somewhere out in the wide world, hopefully with Noctem still a part of her life, though goodness knows how she’s faring without her strange brand of magic-not-magic. Maybe she and Gendry found each other. I hope they’re together. Drow said they were always close, even when Strange was a tiny girl. And no one has seen either of them since...well, since Beqanna changed. Not the whole world, because I’ve learned it’s far bigger than just this land. But Beqanna has changed drastically since the last time I set foot here.
Maybe I’ve changed drastically too.
Hell. Maybe a fresh start is for the best.
Hello, Beqanna. I’m Xero. No more countdown. Let’s make every moment matter.
I step into the Meadow, blinking at the bright sunlight shining down on eyes that feel brand new. All of me feels brand new, and for once it’s nothing to do with Mom’s ability to patch up wear and tear, to wash away damage to our bodies in a wave of warmth and love. God, I miss her. It’s been years and I still ache, tears welling up when I remember...but I promised her I’d make the most I can out of the life she gave me, even if she’s not in it anymore. So I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and wish a little love her way, wherever her soul ended up. Whatever afterlife exists, I hope it’s a beautiful one. I hope she’s at peace. Maybe even with Momma Luna, after all this time.
Then I open my eyes and walk forward, into the first moment of the rest of my life.