Solace had been born a portion of a whole, the lesser part of a complete set. But that other piece was gone, and she couldn't deny it any longer.
(she had never been whole on her own, she had always clung to them, used them as crutches in such careful ways that they did not realize they were carrying her)
She had not known she was grieving in the busy days following the contagion. The birth of her son, tracking down her other children, managing a kingdom alongside her wife, they had distracted her from the fact she didn't want to accept. It isn't until she had returned from the diplomatic mission to Tephra and parted with her companions - when she had found herself alone, and tired, but too awake to sleep that she realizes. Kagerus was still far away, fulfilling her duties as Caretaker with more natural ability than any would for another generation or two, and Solace had slipped away from the familiar faces of her countrymen before she knew why.
Then she had realized it, as the sun sunk low over the land that was not her home, and something had stopped her from finding her sons. Then she had felt the missing piece within herself, without her mate to divert her thoughts, she had fully felt the lack of him.
In those hours she had come to a better knowledge of her mother, even though she hadn't seen the woman in years. She began to understand the quiet unraveling she experienced, and the shadows under her eyes.
(She never had the whole story, only pieces: the sight of a puckered brand across her mother's neck and the whisper of an unnamed sister.)
Tangerine had taken Svedka with her in those formative years, and that was something Solace found hard to forgive. She had shaped him into her own creature, glorifying the wanderlust and nurturing the need to roam in his breast. Without his mother's encouragement e would have outgrown such things, but they defined him now. And that need, It was the only thing he valued more than her.
Solace missed him more than words could describe.
There is a figure, flashing golden in dusks playful light, kindling a spark in her heart as he moves with fluidly among the birch trees. And that color, like nonother, moth nor rust could corrode it in her mind; that shade of gold causes her heart to sing.
Despite the impossibility.
Svedka, she almost cries, but her voice abandons her. Maybe a part of already knows that it is not him, but the feeling part, the secret part, does not, and there is a moment where the earth moves below her and she finds herself reaching for his shoulder.
Her eyes seem to open then just before contact, something is off, and she sees him the way he is as her lips brush across his skin. It's too late now to recoil, and she completes the gesture before accepting that she is wrong.
(under any other circumstances, the sight of Kagerus' firstborn would have put a smile on her face and a joyous greeting would have filled the space between them.)
"Abysm," Solace admits, and she can't help the way her voice chokes her. She is scrambling, can he tell? She is flustered as her wings stir at her side and the heat of the summer is suddenly sickening.
"I'm glad you found us," she recovers huskily, but when her crystal eyes lift to his she can not hide the brokenhearted longing.
we are the ever-living ghost of what once was
@[abysm]
