and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
They were well into spring by now, and although she should have been in Sylva, working on getting the new territory in order, she finds that she cannot leave the comfort of Loess just yet. She has kept to herself the last several days, the anxiety building in her chest to the point that she could no longer ignore it. She should have been excited to be so close to welcoming another child into the world, and yet, all she felt was an ever increasing amount of dread and guilt. She didn’t regret her night with Lie; he was her best friend – unexpected though that had been – and there was a small, hidden part of her that was happy. But she kept that part tucked away, and she let the worry and remorse build over top of it. Every time she saw a child that was so clearly and plainly Ophanim’s, it was like someone was driving a dagger between her ribs. And now, she was doing the same to him; he would know this child wasn’t his, and she was afraid that all the animosity that had boiled over between them nearly a year ago in Sylva would come rushing back.
She felt even guiltier for feeling guilty at all. She wanted to let the excitement blossom inside of her, but every time it tried, it felt like choking. She had stayed away from Lie once she realized she didn’t have the ability to handle the torrent of emotions that were coursing through her. She didn’t want him to think she regretted being with him, or that she regretted this baby. True to her nature, she didn’t know how to handle feeling broken without cutting everyone else.
And so she secluded herself away, far from the heart of Loess, and even further from Sylva. Instead, it was a rocky alcove somewhere between the Forest and the mountains of Hyaline that she hid away in. It was a harsh and unforgiving area; the ground that she paced across was hard and littered with stones, but the trees were thick and the rocks that jutted into the sky were large. She just didn’t want Ophanim – or anyone, really – to find her. It doesn’t make a difference, she knows that. She won’t be able to hide a living, breathing baby from the world forever, but in her pain-ridden mind, it seems logical, for now.
It is closer to nightfall when her breathing is coming in short, sharp gasps, and the pain and the pressure building inside finally causes her to give in and lower herself to the ground. The edge of rocks and stones that dig into her skin are nothing compared to what overcomes her now, and she hardly notices the pinpricks of pain that they cause as her muscles grow taut and weary from pushing. She hadn’t had to do this alone last time. Last time, Ophanim had been with her, but even though she knows it would have been foolish and stupid for him to be with her now, she wishes he was here. The stubborn, proud part of her had kept her from seeking out Lie, even though she knows he would have stayed with her, too, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was entirely her fault she was in this mess to begin with, and, in the back of her mind, there is a worried part of her that thinks maybe he doesn’t even care anyway.
She breathes a trembling sigh of relief when the filly slips free, rocking herself upright to crane her neck around to gently begin to cleanse her pale face. Her heart stops, and then flutters again in excitement at the sight of familiar snowflakes adorning her impossibly small nose, and she cannot hide the slow smile that lifts at her lips as she murmurs into the black curls of her damp mane, “Just like your dad.” Her nose trails across the small expanse of her ribs, lingering and tracing the dots of glowing dapples that adorn her body, and staring into navy-blue eyes – like hers. She remembers when Malone was born, and how she had looked at Ophanim in quiet awe, because he was such a perfect combination of both of them. She hadn’t expected that same thought to cross her mind with this child, hadn’t expected the same well of emotion to fill her chest, but it comes anyway, and it catches her by surprise.
But she doesn’t have time to come to terms with her emotions. The contraction that tears through her takes her breath away, and the next one sends her mind spinning. “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she says with a mixture of exhaustion and disbelief. She did not sign up for twins, but it turned out, she didn’t really have a say in the matter.
Reluctantly, she flattens against the hard ground again, staring up at the stars that fill the now-dark sky. She tried to ignore the fear that was bubbling into her throat, and the way it clenched around her heart. If she had known it was twins, if she had known it was going to be this difficult, she wouldn’t have been so stubborn, and she would have gone to Pangea, but it was far too late for that now. The silver of her skin darkens with sweat as she groans and strains, her dapples glowing all the more vibrantly against the slick sheen of it, until finally, with one last push, there is a colt wet and trembling alongside of his sister.
She doesn’t give herself the chance to recognize how tired she is. She ignores the way her muscles ache and how fatigue tightens around her like a fist. Instead, she forces herself up, her legs quivering, and her tangled mane clinging to her neck in places. The side of her body that had lain against the ground is scraped from writhing against the sharp rocks that littered the churned up earth, but she is too busy cleaning and drying the newborn colt to notice the way her skin stings and how bright the blood is against her coat in places.
He is dark, and she is startled when he first blinks open those ruby-colored eyes. But he too glitters with stars, across his face, and along his chest and back. Her lips brush over four bumps where horns promise to emerge, and she is all at once confused and fascinated. She doesn’t understand the way Lie’s shadow-magic must have somehow twisted to form all this, but it is the only conclusion she can come to. There is a glimmer of satisfaction when she recognizes the same echo in his mind as when Malone had been born; he was a mind reader, like her. Her lips and nose continue to caress along the small angles of him, but her attention shifts back to his sister, who was awkwardly trying to stand. “I have no idea what to name either one of you,” she says to absolutley no one.
starsin
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )
@[litotes]
absolutely ridiculous.
