[private] stranger than your sympathy;

[lilliana]

Sometimes she dreams of places long gone. Sometimes she dreams of faces that are no longer there. Sometimes she dreams of things that just don’t exist.

It’s the first ones that trouble her, the ones that give her heart a fresh ache and make her sharply raise her head when she startles awake. She doesn’t know if the things she dreams - the memories - slip away from her. Lilliana doesn’t know if while her mind should be resting, it goes searching for answers through its dark corners.

(There won’t be any answers to find, she would say. But how does one reason with the dark side of the moon, ask it to shine when there is simply no light to be found?)

Some things she can explain. But the chance of projecting her own emptiness to her sons is a mistake that she will not make.

Slipping into the voidless pitch of a Taigan night, Lilliana decides to let her thoughts roam. Where her legs go is of little concern to her when it's the tightrope she’s walking that distracts her. A balancing act with her, always. Always teetering from side to another, with a looming (beautiful) view of the world below her.

Autumn storms have run their course through the forest again and the ground is moist, making her hoofsteps almost silent.

It’s endlessly dark. The mighty Redwoods command strong outlines against the inky veil and it’s only the call from the coastline that brings her back to herself. The ocean. The water raking itself over the crushed granite, a steady, rolling thunder from places unknown - a siren song drifting through the ancient wood.

When she stumbles down the path and meets the shoreline, the chestnut mare wades to her knees and lets the prickling sensation overtake her. Lilliana focuses on that. The bracing bite that comes wave after wave, chilling her legs. She wishes the frigid ocean water could numb the rest of her.

It’s a lovely thought - if only for a moment - to think about feeling nothing at all.

LILLIANA

all that i'm after is a life full of laughter
(as long as i'm laughing with you)

art by vhitany