04-27-2020, 09:15 AM
Elaina has known love.
Oh has Elaina known love.
It was found in the laughter and the warmth of sitting together with a girl of crimson. Found in the glacial blue eyes of her grandmother that shares with her granddaughter stories of times so long ago that Elaina feels dizzy when she thinks of it. It is the quiet whisper between her and Ori as they think Marcelo is asleep as they should be, and it winds down to the little smile on his face letting Elaina know that he was anything but. It is found in the meadow as she stands between her parents, looking for the first evening star in the sky. Maybe she should have realized this sooner, but there is still that part of Elaina that never really left that little fort in Paraiso, sitting with her cousin beside her.
It is found in this moment, Elaina recognizes it in the way her heart swells and nearly batters down her rib cage with it. And Lilli is tucked within her in a moment. She and Lilli had both left home, but Elaina had lacked all of Lilli’s grace, that beautiful buoyancy that took her from Beyond to Beqanna, keeping her afloat. Meanwhile, Elaina had crashed on its shores like a shipwreck, bits of herself left behind to mark her passing by. Arriving in each new place not entirely whole and already sinking.
“Not to who?” She asks with an expression of mock surprise. “To you?” Elaina asks, pulling away to look her cousin in the eyes and bump against her shoulder playfully. “I’ve seen you fall face first into a mud puddle Lilli, and you’ve seen me with the bee sting the size of a rock on my nose,” she says, the memories are easy to grab here, so much easier than back in Dusk, so much easier with Lilli beside her now. She doesn't feel as foggy, her thoughts are sharp and clear. “I think I get to say whatever I want,” she says with a cheeky smirk, that same bold and brazen look in those eyes that has always dared Lilli to say something otherwise.
There is so many things to say, retorts she could make, but Lilli makes Elaina soft like gold she so resembles and she instantly melts into the ruby red that is Lilli as gold was always supposed to do. Every second matters here when she knows she cannot stay, and every second feels eternal.
(“It was me who always needed you.”)
These words echo back to her as Lilli apologizes. “I am sorry too,” she says. And so that dance they know so well begins again with the utterance of that apology. It is a dance they have done time and time again.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
But these steps in their dance are made from stronger rhythms and Elaina lets Lilli pull her in for the turn before she is let go, and this time, Elaina doesn't reach her hands back out for Lilli to lead her. The music fades away until there is only the hum of starlight to fill an empty ballroom.
It had been one of those night where a breath hung in the air like puffs of smoke and lingered for a while before disappearing with a starlit breeze. That is when they had found each other again.
Tonight is not that much different.
“Lilli,” she says, because she has imagined what she would say here a hundred times. “You were right, everything you said,” she says, the words are falling out like it would to a priest in confession. “I need to be more careful, and everything else, all the mistakes I have made,” she says, and tries to keep her voice from cracking beneath the weight of what she is going to say next. “You have always protected me, since I’ve known you, but—I cant let you protect me anymore,” she says and she wants to cry in this moment, but Elaina, stubborn, stubborn Elaina will not let those tears fall as she looks to Lilli with something like winter in her eyes. So she does something else instead, something else, but all too familiar. She presses her golden forehead against Lilli’s own and breathes. “I don't think I have ever said thank you,” she admits, her heart is heavy, it falls in her chest like and anchor to water. “Thank you,” she says. “But,” she pulls away. “You have others you need to protect now,” she says, Lilli’s boys come to mind with a smile. “I need to do this on my own now, without knowing you will catch me when I fall.” Because Elaina, for all her fire, has found herself at times reduced to ash, but Lilli has always provided the spark to bring that fire roaring back to life, and without her, Elaina only has herself to keep those embers glowing bright.
tried to keep her quiet, but she's screaming inside me
@lilliana