[private] you know you're gonna need to fight

[Selaphiel]

selaphiel

these days i don’t pray when i close my eyes

Were he half the angel his mother was, perhaps he could chase away her tears. Perhaps he could press his mouth to her brow and will them away himself. But he is not and he will never be. He is only Selaphiel, this thing cast from ice, who can only stand here and watch them pool in her eyes and cut rivers down her cheeks. And that dastardly heart in the cage of his chest, it spasms and aches for her and for her children. 

There has to be more they can do.
Surround her with healers, protectors, stow her away from this vicious thing that threatens her life. Let her kill it before it can kill her. Anything.

But he does not say any of this because he knows that is her decision and hers alone. He knows that she is proud and she is smart and she is capable. And she will not be talked out of whatever decision she has already made.

He knows that now all he can do is stand there and agree to do whatever she asks him to do. All he can do is fight to stave off his own tears, to be strong for her. He swallows thickly and nods, though those glacial blue eyes still swim with grief. He does not want to lose her again, Maze. His friend. 

But he nods because this is all he can do now. All he can do is what she asks of him. He will look after his family, after his mother and Este. Though he knows that Atrox looks after his mother well enough. He will make Este his responsibility. 

He squeezes his eyes closed when she continues. Because he cannot stomach the thought of her not surviving this time. Because he does not know what he will do if this thing takes her from them in some irreversible way. His breath hitches and breaks straight down the middle. He sways on his feet and does not, cannot, steady himself. He shakes his head. This he cannot agree to. He cannot, cannot, cannot.

How he wants to say yes! How he wants to be dutiful, obedient! How he wants to do all that she asks of him! “I can’t,” he whispers and forces his eyes open. For a long moment all he can do is look at her, search her face. Because she had laid down her life for him, sacrificed everything for him.

“I’m sorry, Maze,” he continues, so quiet, “but if he takes you from us…” He swallows, falters, cannot finish. 

I just bite my tongue a bit harder

@[Mazikeen]