she got blood cold as ice
and a heart made of stone
Not until now.
When the void first opened up in Leokadia she had been so small. Too small, too early. It had been winter still and the inconvenience of her birth was her very first offense. She does not remember her beautiful mother well, not like she remembers everything else. There are glimpses mostly: blood on cream colored thighs, perfect feathers on strong wings, being shoved away into the snow, the taste of her dam's unpredictable implacable rage.
Rejection had gotten louder each time she felt it until it was crippling, until she could barely breathe around it. It felt like dying, her heart crushed against her breastbone by the black hole that was spreading inside of her. She fought to live, to keep up, to grow but it meant nothing. Nothing but renewed agony. The winter did not lessen, her wings were just grotesque down and small soft bones. At last her mother finally left, flown away from her on pristine angelic wings.
Leokadia had lain down beneath the cedars and turned it all off.
Survival had meant learning to manipulate and pretend, to wear the mask required to be like all the others.
For Ciri she had not put on the mask. What had she really recognized in the dark mare? That might remain a mystery, but it could not be as simple as the changeable nature of her stars. Leokadia seeks out changeable things, things that she cannot ever fully memorize. Ciri is one such thing, but not just because of the stars that drift around her or the liquid silver flash of her eyes. Ciri pays compliments at times like these, confusing and disarming her once again.
As much as Leokadia can, she has left herself exposed to Ciri. She has told her about the wings. Has come to her even though it might hurt.
She will not leave now, just because the pain might also be physical. She hears what Ciri is telling her, that her friend has become a monster. Ciri is the only friend Leokadia has ever had but to imagine her becoming something like that… the scars are only an outside representation of the pain inflicted on her friend. Lo holds Ciri's furious gaze, seeing grief flash there as well. She doesn't care about the others but knows that the kind mare she'd walked north with would feel the pain of her friends. Anger rolls off of Ciri, Leokadia lingers in it's corona. The jagged feeling: protectiveness and fury is further stoked by that anger. "You will need help. I will help you. I cannot just leave knowing you could be hurt this way again. Let me help you and Nashua, and Leilan." She has not forgotten their names, perhaps her knowing them still will help Ciri see that she means to stay, not just a visit but to be here with her.
Yet Ciri pulls away, and it hurts more than it should. Leokadia could follow, could press but does not. She adjusts her wings, and stills herself. If she is quiet on the outside maybe the vice-grip of rejection will release her frantic heart. "I am not going." She replies in an even voice. Ciri has not answered her original question and Lo, who does not understand why others do not make direct answers is frustrated by that but does not ask again. A moment ago she had been agitated, now she pushes that all away. "I am going to live here. You can tell me to leave every day if that does something for you but for tonight please shut the hell up." Pallid lashes drift down to brush her cheeks and she exhales before speaking again.
"Are you well enough to run with me? I will go alone, but I would rather have you beside me." It was a long flight here, but she wants to break the tension she feels, to bleed off some of Ciri's anger as well. After being told to shut the hell up some of that anger may be directed at Lo, but the cremello mare does not give the appearance of caring.
@Ciri
but she keeps me alive
she's the beast in my bones
Leokadia