09-19-2021, 08:26 PM
She is certain he does not understand what it means to her when he leans down in that silent way to embrace her, just the resettling of his head over hers, but it is enough to be held against him, to feel this weight on her chest lessened by the way she knows he carries it with him too. It seems like all of their time together has happened in moments and glimpses, more often apart than together, but it is in all these strange collected moments of together, all these glimpses of a man she can no longer count as a stranger, that she has come to care for him so deeply.
There are moments when the pang of missing him leaves her wanting more. More than she has, more than he has, certainly more than he can give her. She remembers the way her father had looked at her mother, and it is nothing like the quiet way Obscene has ever looked at her. And there are moments where this feels strangely close to loss, where to see him is to spark an ache inside a chest so full of broken things she isn’t even sure how her heart still manages to beat. But these moments pass, these aches and these pains and this desire to be more than a wildling who haunts the cliffedge beneath the storms, and she is learning every day that these moments are not made less just because he does not love her in the way her heart wants to love him.
These moments are special, this glimpse of togetherness while their shared pain threatens to pull them apart entirely.
She is sure he does not need more pain, that those burning red lantern eyes so hard and cold and filled with a mirth he wields like armor will have to crack at some point if this weight becomes too much. So she does not show him the depths of her feelings, does not trap him with a love he does not feel. She keeps these secrets in her heart, keeps her heart buried in her chest, buried behind a quiet smile and gentle eyes that will always lie to him for as long as it keeps him safe.
“I wish you weren’t.” She tells him quietly, soft eyes like blue starlight, a mouth too tired to smile but not too tired to reach out and place a kiss at the corner of his dark, velvet mouth. “You used every part of yourself to make it right. It wasn’t that you didn’t try, there was just nothing left to give. Please don’t be sorry.” But she knows that is an impossible request if only because she is similarly crushed beneath the weight of her own apologies. When he pulls back to look at her she does not try to hide the quiet way she searches his beautiful face. At the surface his expression is hard and almost cold, but he has always reminded her of stone in this way that he is so silent and resolute. But his eyes are the piece of him that bleed his deeper secrets, and in them she is sure she can see his pain and his regret if only because they are the twin-pairs to her own eyes.
“I couldn’t have done any of it if you hadn’t been there with me.” She says, and that voice is something whisper soft and yet not at all fragile as she looks up into his dark face. “I still don’t understand why you forgave me for not telling you, I didn’t deserve that. But you stayed with me and you kept me safe, and because of that we have a son who will be able to grow up and discover these Pampas of yours.” She pauses for a moment, turning to look out across a world of green and brilliant wildflower, a skyline of blue and wispy white. “I know we lost a piece of ourselves that night, and nothing will ever fix that. But we also found a piece, and it was you that kept us safe.” Her gaze returns to him, quiet and searching, gentle in a way that she is only ever so bare for him. “I would forgive you if there was anything to forgive, Obscene. But I can think of nothing that warrants it.” She reaches out again, touches her nose to his with a tremulous exhale. “Though, in the same way, I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep them both safe. You had to do so much.”
Pain is a flower that blooms inside her chest.
There are moments when the pang of missing him leaves her wanting more. More than she has, more than he has, certainly more than he can give her. She remembers the way her father had looked at her mother, and it is nothing like the quiet way Obscene has ever looked at her. And there are moments where this feels strangely close to loss, where to see him is to spark an ache inside a chest so full of broken things she isn’t even sure how her heart still manages to beat. But these moments pass, these aches and these pains and this desire to be more than a wildling who haunts the cliffedge beneath the storms, and she is learning every day that these moments are not made less just because he does not love her in the way her heart wants to love him.
These moments are special, this glimpse of togetherness while their shared pain threatens to pull them apart entirely.
She is sure he does not need more pain, that those burning red lantern eyes so hard and cold and filled with a mirth he wields like armor will have to crack at some point if this weight becomes too much. So she does not show him the depths of her feelings, does not trap him with a love he does not feel. She keeps these secrets in her heart, keeps her heart buried in her chest, buried behind a quiet smile and gentle eyes that will always lie to him for as long as it keeps him safe.
“I wish you weren’t.” She tells him quietly, soft eyes like blue starlight, a mouth too tired to smile but not too tired to reach out and place a kiss at the corner of his dark, velvet mouth. “You used every part of yourself to make it right. It wasn’t that you didn’t try, there was just nothing left to give. Please don’t be sorry.” But she knows that is an impossible request if only because she is similarly crushed beneath the weight of her own apologies. When he pulls back to look at her she does not try to hide the quiet way she searches his beautiful face. At the surface his expression is hard and almost cold, but he has always reminded her of stone in this way that he is so silent and resolute. But his eyes are the piece of him that bleed his deeper secrets, and in them she is sure she can see his pain and his regret if only because they are the twin-pairs to her own eyes.
“I couldn’t have done any of it if you hadn’t been there with me.” She says, and that voice is something whisper soft and yet not at all fragile as she looks up into his dark face. “I still don’t understand why you forgave me for not telling you, I didn’t deserve that. But you stayed with me and you kept me safe, and because of that we have a son who will be able to grow up and discover these Pampas of yours.” She pauses for a moment, turning to look out across a world of green and brilliant wildflower, a skyline of blue and wispy white. “I know we lost a piece of ourselves that night, and nothing will ever fix that. But we also found a piece, and it was you that kept us safe.” Her gaze returns to him, quiet and searching, gentle in a way that she is only ever so bare for him. “I would forgive you if there was anything to forgive, Obscene. But I can think of nothing that warrants it.” She reaches out again, touches her nose to his with a tremulous exhale. “Though, in the same way, I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep them both safe. You had to do so much.”
Pain is a flower that blooms inside her chest.
REVELRIE
it feels like falling, it feels like rain,
like losing my balance again and again