06-02-2017, 01:55 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2017, 08:19 PM by Ruan.)
So many precious lives were being born these few weeks. Birth, the creation only a mother could bring, was the greatest, truest magic. He'd always believed so.
But it hurt like hell this time.
So he hummed over the distant sounds of labor, a low, lilting lullaby to his child that was already deep into sleep. She couldn't possibly hear him anymore in her world of dreams, tucked and cradled safely in his side, but he did it anyway. Did it for himself, perhaps. Family was everything to him. He'd lost his own, every last one of them, without even knowing it while he was away. His mother. His sister that raised him. He never even knew, until the magic had told him.
Now, he was losing all over again. His wife was gone. His only son, only child of his own. His wild girl, Terra. Even his sunny girl who had once been so sweet and caring, was now gone. But he had Jinju, would always have Jinju. Loyalty and family meant something to her, and she saved his life in a way she couldn't understand. And now this little one, another plucked from the grasp of the forest and brought home to enjoy the safety of their home. His family was gone. He wouldn't have the gift of his own children anymore, but he had her, and he had his daughter of fire. Neither were even of his own blood, but they loved him the most of anyone.
He wouldn't have his own anymore.
Family had always meant so impossibly much to him.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral..
The rumble of his quiet humming vibrated over the sharp burn in his throat, the sting in his nose. The painful shards of his shattered heart. And here, entirely alone with this glassy child so safely asleep, so silently far away in her precious mind... he wept openly.
Hot tears slipped silently down his dark cheeks, supernaturally bright eyes glimmering with his heartache as he stared down at her. He tucked his chin against her, holding her to him as he gently rocked them. His broken lullaby was a choking murmur buried in her neck, but he couldn't seem to stop. He didn't want to hear the first cries of strangers' newborn children. Those sweet little faces he knew would be turning to nose for their mother's milk, faces that would be licked clean by loving mothers.
His goddamn Winter made it snow over them, wild and drizzling in answer to his pain. It stuck to his purple-dappled skin, but slid harmlessly down her glassy surface. He was still the heart of this Taiga. And this heart was broken.
Too-ra-loo-ra-li
Aten had always been taught to respect the space the mares needed when birthing season rolled around. So, like in seasons past, when the sounds of labor broke the silence that normally hung over Taiga like a blanket of snow, the stallion busied himself with wandering through the forest, anything to keep away from the mares that would otherwise chase him away from their newborn foals due to his status as a stallion. And a young one, at that.
The last of the births were done and Taiga was settling down once again. Aten no longer had to worry about angry sets of teeth and hooves. Of course, he continued giving the mares their space until their foals were old enough that there was no constant worry or the feeling of being threatened by a stallion's presence, but he did enjoy watching them run around, without a care in the world.
Made him miss those days, when he'd slept peacefully by his dam's side and ran around with his older siblings, learning the way of the Falls kingdom and how to be a horse. A horse that could have potentially taken over for his sire one day, had the Reckoning not occurred.
But, things happened. And though he dearly missed his dam, sire, and siblings, the young stallion was happy here. He had a home, friends he could rely on, horses he respected, and those he could trust. It was peaceful here, and while at times he may have gotten bored, he couldn't ask for anything more.
Not entirely true, but for now, the stallion would force down his emotions and be content with his situation in life.
And he still would be, even after what he would discover.
Having decided to distance himself today, in order to sort through the thoughts in his mind, Aten wandered through the forest, appreciating the feeling of security it gave him. Even if being in the open meadow meant greater speed, the stallion felt the life within these trees. He felt confident, could take on a rival by using the environment to his advantage. For even if they came from a land with trees and forests like this, every land was different. Aten would use the land to his advantage, and so he liked to be alone here at times, learn to adapt to its ever-changing landscape.
But there was something different today. The normal silence wasn't here; it all just felt different. Aten's hoof steps were heavy, but his left ear turned, thinking he picked up on something. At first, he thought it was a trick of the mind, but when he stood completely still, he realized that there was indeed another in here, sharing the forest.
Worried about what could have caused the sounds of grief, Aten went to investigate. He at first thought it to possibly be a mare, whether from the Taiga or another home, weeping over the loss of her young one, or another forest animal whose young met the same fate.
What he did not expect was to see the face of Ruan, the stallion weeping as he laid on the darkened earth stained with his tears.
Aten gave the older stallion space, not wanting to startle him. He spoke in a calm, soft voice, "Ruan? What has happened? What has caused you to grieve like this?"
OOC: From the angle he's at, Aten can't see the foal near Ruan (if there is one; I can't figure the post out because my mind stinks), so he doesn't know what's wrong.
It had been so long since he'd lost them, at least a year now, and yet tonight he was feeling it all over again as it scraped through his heart. More than that, he was feeling the loss of all the children he wouldn't have, the potential lives he could have, should have been able to bring to reality. Teach them the way of loving so fiercely, so completely, and show them a stable family unit. Something they could look up to and hope to gain for themselves one day.
Since they first came to the Taiga, that seemed to be his purpose; to fill it to the brim with love and family, adopting orphans and raising them as his own. He'd been the heart of the Taiga. Maybe he still was. Something more than just that alone now.
Being a good father was still a driving force, something he focused on and buried himself in. That was why it was so hard just then, curled around this little filly made of glass, so hard to listen and witness all the new precious lives being born. And knowing none of them would be his. Maybe ever again. He didn't wonder if someone would want to be with him one day, but he did wonder if he could ever want anyone else. Even now, he still felt married to her. Even a year later and insisting on not seeing her again.
"Ruan? What has happened? What has caused you to grieve like this?"
Aten. The young man he'd almost felt as if he'd adopted in some way, though he was far old enough to be on his own and make his own decisions. Maybe it was the loss of his only son that drew him to the boy, a son that would probably be the same age. Grown. And on his own. Old enough to decide his father and sisters weren't worth his time.
That was such a dark way of thinking though. And it probably wasn't even true, but he couldn't help but feel the sting of it regardless. Because what if it was true? The only evidence he had of anything was the sudden and continued absence, the lack of contact between brother and sisters.
He sighed, sobering and brushing his damp cheek against his arm. It's nothing, he wanted to say, but it wasn't nothing, was it? "I'll be alright," he said instead, soft and quiet, not yet meeting Aten's eyes as they lay firmly glued to the little girl pressed into him. His black nose dipped down, hot breath fogging against the supernatural glass of her teal skin, tucking her in closer as she slept soundly.
"This is Polaris," he offered quietly, careful not to wake her and uncurling enough so that Aten could see her. "I found her abandoned in the forest and brought her home. I almost thought she wasn't real at first, a statue perhaps. I've never seen anything like her." But there she was, alive and breathing, tinkling and chiming when she would walk at his side like a soft little windchime. Polaris, he'd named her. Like the North Star, the true star, guiding him through the darkness with the cracks and nicks of constellations in her glass. Each trip or stumble seemed to add another to her, but she was far more graceful now and hadn't gained many more than when he'd first found her.
"Tell me about your family, Aten?" Somehow he knew Aten had one, somewhere. Not here in the Taiga with him, but somewhere he must have at least someone.
ooc: lol that's ok! yes, he has a little foal and she is literally made of glass so that's probably why it was so confusing xD I hope this cleared it up a little! Also, sorry for the wait! I had to go out of town for family things!
With his classic words of 'I'll be all right', the spotted stallion wiped his damp face on his foreleg, keeping his eyes away from those of the golden stallion. Aten's own gaze did not change; he continued looking at his leader, sympathy filling those warm brown eyes he'd inherited from his dam.
Ruan seemed to be preoccupied with something, come to think of it. While Aten had noticed that Ruan would not meed his eyes, he also noticed they were trained on something else. Aten took one step to see if he could spot what had Ruan's attention so thoroughly locked, but nothing peculiar became obvious to his eyes at first.
Not until Ruan moved, uncurled his body, at least. The spotted stallion introduced the tiny filly by the name of Polaris, explaining how he'd come across her and brought her back to the Taiga. She was a tiny creature, fragile looking, though Aten suspected that was because of her skin, as upon closer look, he realized it wasn't normal. Carefully, he eyed the filly, coming to the conclusion that her skin was not made of flesh and bones like Aten's was; rather she seemed be made of... glass? That was about the closest thing he could come up with, if that was the case.
Aten couldn't deny his curiosity, but he also knew how protective the stallion lying there could be. He moved so that he was standing perpendicular to Ruan, Aten's chest lining up with Ruan's withers. He then took a couple steps forward, his muzzle stretched out and nostrils flaring as he inhaled the scent of the tiny filly. It was sweet, but unnatural, something Aten found unique. As he moved his head back, his eyes looked over the filly again. She was a rather adorable thing, her pretty teal colored coat glittering in the faint sunlight.
Ruan then asked for Aten to talk about his family, something the young stallion hadn't done since the day he and Sirana had gone their separate ways. He almost didn't want to, fearing it would drag up unwanted memories. But for Ruan, as innocent as a question it was, he could stomach that.
"My sire was lost shortly after the Reckoning, I've come to believe. I am still unsure of what exactly happened to him. After him, I have my mother, and three older siblings. My mother and older sister, Eiria, I believe have stuck together. My older brother, Nerius, is more than likely out there on his own, either living in a kingdom or gallivanting for fun. Having a companion never mattered to him, though I wouldn't be surprised if he got our father's instincts for acquiring a harem.
"My oldest sister, Sirana, I was with her after the Reckoning happened. I got separated from my dam. Sirana took care of me until her herd stallion kicked me out because I was a threat. I was a little over a year when that happened. I remained on my own until you accepted me into the Taiga. I am unsure if I have any younger siblings; I have not been to visit my dam lately."
Aten almost wanted to ask the same question, but considering Ruan didn't talk about his family at all, he figured it could be a sore subject. So, deciding to twist it around a little, Aten motioned to the filly, "Have you decided to take her on as one of your own? I have a feeling she'd be rather happy to have you raise her; you'd be a good father for her."
OOC: It's all right, don't apologize; family is important! And by the way, Polaris sounds really cute.
He was both intrigued and appreciative of the way Aten intuitively seemed to understand him. So much of his life had been repeated miscommunications and misunderstandings. Because Ruan was so wild, so different. Not a diplomat or even someone who can speak easily, hold a normal conversation. Words never came easy for him. Rather, he spoke with his body, his eyes, his movement.
As wild things do.
But Aten. Aten always seemed to understand, and it surprised him. It pleased him. The former-wolf man was drawn to it, that equal understanding, and a quiet smile tilted the corner of his mouth.
The young man stepped forward, slow enough for Ruan to watch his movements, as he reached out toward little Polaris. When Aten had her scent, he pulled back, looking over her with the same sort of soft interest Ruan had for her. She was such a rare little treasure, so strange and beautiful. So unique.
He caught just a flicker of hesitation before Aten responded, reluctant to dredge up memories of family that weren't here with him, perhaps. He felt immediately guilty at that, that he'd ask such a personal question without thinking how it might affect the young man. But Aten still answered him regardless, telling of his father, his mother, his siblings that he knew of, and the sister that raised him. A pang of old hurt struck through Ruan, but he held his quiet until Aten was done.
"I am unsure if I have any younger siblings; I have not been to visit my dam lately."
Ruan wanted to ask if he'd like to, if he wanted to see his mother and family again. He hoped Aten didn't feel trapped here or obligated to stay, though Ruan would never want to lose him. Aten was his greatest addition to the Taiga, and he was infinitely glad the gold stallion had wandered in that day.
He sensed his own question was going to be reflected back at him, but once again Aten understood things he never spoke aloud; Ruan didn't speak of his family. Not as in depth as Aten had gifted him with. However, it perhaps hadn't been easy for the young man, and it wasn't easy for Ruan either, but he would answer regardless as well.
"Have you decided to take her on as one of your own? I have a feeling she'd be rather happy to have you raise her; you'd be a good father for her."
A soft smile, warm with affection, reached his black lips as his sharp, blue gaze fell to the teeny filly again. "Yes. She is mine, now," he said quietly, as if it were a vow to always protect and care for her. The compliment about being a good father was welcomed and a little painful. He'd maybe never have his own children anymore.
"Thank you," he replied anyway. He may never be a good ruler or diplomat, or even a husband ever again, but he knew he was a damn good father. Maybe that was all he was anymore. "I was also raised by my older sister," he began, looking to Aten again as he carefully opened up the wound of his past to him. "I only ever had her and my mother. They're both gone. Never knew my sire." His dam took her own life, tortured and abused for so many years and finally taking control of her life in the only way she could. He didn't know how his only sister died, only that she was dead.
Family had always meant everything to him, and he'd lost every bit of the one he'd had.
And now he was losing his own.
"I met Reagan and..." he fell quiet. His eyes dimmed with hurt, unfocused for a moment before returning to Aten again. He continued, his voice droning and carefully lacking the emotions ripping through him. "And my whole world changed. She helped discover the Taiga, and I came here with her. Had a family, adopted children. Had one of our own." He cut himself off there. Because they were gone now. He'd found her with another man, a secret he never shares, and told her not to return home. And she still hadn't. His son, his only child, was gone without a word. Some of his adopted children also left.
His only family was broken.
All he had now was Jinju. And Polaris. And Aten. Though, he wasn't a son. But Aten knew him better than his own son did, perhaps. He'd been consumed in that depression, that loss, when Aten had found him tonight. His family was gone. He wouldn't have another. He wasn't sure he could ever love anyone else.
"Do you want training, Aten?" He changed the subject, directing them to something that had been on Ruan's mind for days now. The last thing he wanted was to lose this remarkable person, but he wouldn't be able to train Aten himself and still protect their vast expanse of forest of wild-hearted beings, kindred spirits. "There is a new land.. You may be older than what they're used to, but they could train you to fight, if it's something you have an interest in." He didn't want to lose Aten, didn't want to send him away when he was as helpful at home as Jinju had been through these hard times. But he couldn't justify holding Aten back from something he might desire.
He didn't want to lose him. And he tried to keep it from his eyes when he met Aten's gaze.
sorry, still playing catchup, haha! And it got really long, sorry! D;
Aten was glad that Ruan had decided to take the filly into his care, watching as the spotted stallion's blue eyes turned downward so they were looking at her. Ruan also thanked Aten, more than likely for the compliment about being a good father. Aten didn't know Ruan's history in raising both the foals of his blood and those he had adopted, like little Polaris, but Jinju had turned out all right. Enfys as well, even if he had hardly ever spent time with the filly.
For some reason, Aten suddenly felt a pang of desire to one day have a foal to care for, whether it was of his blood or taken into his care after being abandoned by its mother. Of course, he knew he'd have to find a mare to give birth to his foal if he wanted one of his blood, and so far, he hadn't seem to have caught the eyes of any of them. There also weren't a lot of foals around this time of year, either still living in their homes or having been taken in by other horses following abandonment. Also, Aten was still young himself; he wanted a few more years under his belt before he took on the task of being a father.
When Ruan began speaking again, Aten focused his eyes on the stallion. He was sharing something that the golden one could've never imagined; he was openly speaking about a piece of his family's history. This caught Aten visibly by surprise, but all the stallion showed was an interested flicker of his ears and a careful gaze in his eyes. He didn't want Ruan to think he was in complete shock right now, even if he was. The stallion deserved the right to speak and share about what he wanted. It was just a bit of a shock because Aten always thought that Ruan would keep that part of his life locked away forever.
Ruan told Aten of how he was raised by his older sister before she left this world, along with the spotted stallion's dam. His blood sire was unknown at this point, something Aten found distasteful but chose to not voice aloud. He knew how the system worked around here, for a few specific horses at least. There were some who only took one partner, some who owed a harem/herd, like his sire, Archam, had, and then there were some who went after the mares only during breeding season to try and pass on their bloodline, never interacting with the foals beyond the first few days of life.
Aten didn't know why the system was as unbalanced as it was, but one often couldn't fight pure instinct. Perhaps something had driven those stallions away, like it might have done for Ruan's own sire. That would explain why the stallion had never met him to begin with.
Ruan changed the subject and started talking about Reagan. Aten did recognize the name, but he had never met the mare. He only knew basic information, most of which Ruan was relaying to him again. She'd come here with the stallion and founded the Taiga before suddenly disappearing. Hearing that Ruan fathered a foal with her was news to the golden stallion, but not incredibly shocking.
Ryan stopped talking and a tense silence settled between the two stallions. Aten wanted to ask if his leader was okay, but a voice in his head warned him against such a thing. It was obvious right now that Ruan was hurting, and while at times being comforted can make the pain go away, in Aten's experience, others just wanted to be left alone. Which is why, for a time, he just stood there, offering his companionship to the stallion in case Ruan wanted some support during these trying times.
"Do you want training, Aten?"
The gold stallion's eyes drifted back up towards Ruan's, his ears going forward as he heard him talk about a new land where, if Aten wished, he could be trained to fight. Remembering a recent excursion to the Field, he vaguely recalled hearing some gossip among the cliques of mares that, in the wake of Pangea's destruction, a new kingdom has risen. He didn't know who it was led by, only that they were searching for new members for their kingdom.
Was this the same one? Were the members that were being searched for going there only to be trained to fight? Aten doubted that was the sole purpose, but at the same time, he got an uneasy feeling. Surely it couldn't be that simple; no kingdom would open its borders to the younger generations to train them unless there was some sort of ulterior motive.
But he wouldn't jump the gun just yet. There was no reason to start a panic unless a legitimate reason came through. Even though Aten already had his answer for his leader, he made a note to keep an eye on the kingdom in the future, just in case his suspicions proved to be correct later down the line.
"I believe that many younger ones, like myself, have an interest in a job, whether it is diplomacy or being a warrior. It is true that I desire to become better, so that I can protect the ones I care for, but I have no desire to go anywhere else. While I may not be a seasoned fighter like some others out there, I believe that experience will grow as I age. I developed skills of my own before I came here, when I lived alone as a bachelor. Even if there are better warriors out there than me, I think my own skill set is efficient enough.
"So, while the offer is a generous one, I will decline it. I would rather remain where I am comfortable, which is here, in the Taiga." Even though Ruan had tried to hide it, Aten had noticed the look in his leader's eyes. True, he wanted to better his own skills, but not somewhere that was new, where he wasn't comfortable. He would do just fine here, in the Taiga. He'd get better as he grew, as he faced new opponents and got older.
But with him still getting truly used to the Taiga as a home, Aten did not want to leave it just yet.
He waited, watching as Aten considered the question from every angle. He liked that about him, the way the golden stallion observed and analyzed every outcome before making a choice. He could practically see the thoughts running through behind the boy's eyes, and he almost smiled. Maybe in another life, his son would have been much the same.
Ruan listened carefully as Aten spoke, nodding silently in agreement that he would grow in experience as he ages.
"So, while the offer is a generous one, I will decline it. I would rather remain where I am comfortable, which is here, in the Taiga." A small smile tightened the corner of Ruan's mouth, deeply pleased to hear this response and somehow also proud. He was glad Aten had found the Taiga, and was glad he wouldn't be leaving, even to the enticement of a promise of training.
"That's good to hear. I'm glad you'll be staying," he told him sincerely. His ice-blue eyes drifted down to the little teal glass filly again, quietly pensive for a few moments. He'd shared things with Aten that he hadn't shared with anyone before. He felt there was a trust between them, almost a mutual understanding of some kind. And he cherished it. He also knew Aten wouldn't repeat the things he told him, the things that were between the two of them. Trust. And loyalty.
Aten was perfect for the Taiga.
"I should rest before she wakes again. She has the terrible habit of starting the day before sunrise," he smirked, his eyes lifting to Aten once more. "We'll talk again soon, Aten." He didn't say it aloud, but it was there in the soft of his gaze: Thanks for talking with me.
Sorry for the wait, yet again <3 Figured we could end this one and continue their more current threads! (Which I'll try to get to tomorrow!)
@[Ruan] It's all right, I don't mind the waiting; everyone has busy lives. Sure, we can end this one here; if I tried to write a post for Aten anyways it wouldn't turn out as good as I'd want. Mainly because it'd be super short.
Take your time, don't feel obligated to rush. I am capable of patiently waiting for the new threads for Aten and Ruan to be updated.
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