[private] something is bad and it's something within me; zoryn, twins

[Disastardly]

She was supposed to be happy. She knew that much, knew she was supposed to be wrapped up in her daughters and their father. The man they both called their father, though she could see Dovev in Zoe’s eyes at least. Zoe’s color was all her, black and white clashing riotously on her skin, none of the starry patches scattered across his matching black and white, patches that always seemed to draw her lips, her teeth, just begging for her touch. Just those eyes, dark with hints of starlight, Zoe’s eyes told her exactly who her father was. 

Zyn on the other hand just looked like her and Zor’s father Azriel, a slatey grey edged in black and painted with just a bit of white. Not a hint of starlight anywhere on her, none of Dov in the shape of her or the way she moved. No, Zyn was Zor’s through and through, down to her grin, the way she flicked her ears when she was annoyed, the sassy little huff and stomp she recognized so well from his foalhood. And they were close, too; Zor doted on the pair of them, loved them with all his heart, grinned at their antics and melted when they snuggled up to him.

He was a good dad.

And she was glad of it, ‘cause she was pretty sure she was a shit mom. She fed them, cleaned them, let them curl up against her when they wanted, even managed to smile pretty for them, but it never quite reached her eyes. She wanted it to, wanted to be the person she’d sworn up and down she’d be, back when she was young and naive and carrying kids she’d never expected or especially wanted. A good mom, a devoted mom, someone who loved and took care of her kids the way her and Zor’s mom never had. Too wrapped up in her man to give a shit beyond making sure they were fed and relatively unharmed.

She’d sworn she’d be better than their mom. Care more. Make damn sure their kids knew they were loved. And god, but she tried. Maybe she was just broken. She watched them play together, watched them drag their dad into their games, talk him into all sorts of mischief, followed them with dull brown eyes that tried so hard to shine and never quite managed it. She at least tried to play the role, smile and laugh and snuggle and pretend she was whole when she felt so damn empty.

Maybe they’d be better off without her. With just Zor. They were old enough now that they didn’t need her anymore, and they deserved to be surrounded by the kind of love she didn’t think she had in her. She and Zor did fine without their mom around. At least the girls would have their dad. And it’d break Zor’s heart, but it wouldn’t be the first time she’d done that.

She’d almost left a thousand times, almost walked away from the three of them, leaving them to make each other happy, build each other up, let the bonds of love grow strong and unshakeable  between the three of them the way they should. It killed her that she didn’t have the same, that she looked at her family and felt hollow, felt like she was looking at them through glass, like those sassy grins and sweet smiles and I love you, Mommas were for somebody else, somebody she couldn’t reach.

She sighed, watching the girls and their father play. Try a little harder, Diz. So she waited for a lull in the game and fought the weight of gravity to force the corners of her mouth into a soft smile, dragged her weary body out from the shade of a sprawling old tree instead of curling up and closing her eyes and lapsing into restless sleep. And she walked over to her family, brushing her muzzle along a hip here, withers there, coming to a halt leaning into Zor and trying to pretend it wasn’t so hard to hold herself up under the weight of what she’d become. “Hi,” she said softly, bumping her nose gently against his shoulder.

She could play the part. So at least she was the only one who felt like this.

[Zynistra]

As any daughter would, she truly believed her daddy was the best in all the world.

How could she not?

He loved on her and her sister equally, with more love and affection than she'd ever seen in any other person they came across. Not a soul could compare to her daddy. Not in looks or kindness, or toughness when he gets that sharper glint in his eye if strange-others come too close. Not a soul could compare.

Momma.. She loved them, too. Zynnie knew it by the way she held the twins close at night, especially if Daddy wasn't around for them to snuggle. She knew it by the soft touches, like she was doing just now too when Momma's velvety nose brushed over her little hip. Zynnie grinned at her over her shoulder, golden brown eyes dancing.

"Hi, Momma! D'you wanna play too?"

She shifted to her momma's side, wiggling in close and tapping a little feather-light kiss on her shoulder like she does for Daddy. Daddy likes those. Her head swiveled to her sister, teeny stern voice and furrowed brow with a little stomp for emphasis. "It's Momma's turn, Zoe. Go away from Daddy." But mostly it was because she wanted to cuddle up with Daddy and have alllll of his attention to herself.

[Dizorien]

dizorien

just a bit of a surprise.

She is ready for the cold to end. With all its shivers and wetness. Definitely not her favorite season. Since she's now just old enough to have an opinion, that is. Only one good thing comes from the cooler weather, and that's cuddling. And snuggles. Ooh, yes she loves those. Daddy gives really good snuggles. Zynnie does too. Her favorite, though, is when she and her sister are cuddled close between Momma and Daddy, so warm and cozy and safe. She just doesn't like being still for too long, though. This gets her in some trouble sometimes, which- heehee- that can be fun too. Like when it was sleep time the other night, and Zoe just wasn't ready for sleep.

She'd waited til eeeveryone's breath went deep and even. When she thought they were all asleep, she did her thing. Struggling not to giggle, the girl shut her eyes tight and held her breath, concentrating. With a slow exhale, she shrunk down to the size of a rabbit, and slowly snuck away. So slick, she thought she was! Bouncing around in the grass that was all higher than her head, using her feathered shrunken wings to create her own little wind. She enjoyed her game very much! Until Daddy's ginormous hooves landed over her, one on each side of her tiny body. Startled, she squeaked and lost her focus, rebounding to her normal size and trapped between her dad's forelegs. Oops, busted. But she gave him her best doe-eyes and innocent grin, and Daddy's glare slowly softened. Biting her lower lip to keep from smirking, she ducked her head and went back to bed by her twin and Momma. Trouble was fun.

"You can't catch meee!" Giggles escape her as she runs circles around Daddy, sneaking a glance behind her now and again to see how close Zyn was getting. Zoe is the smaller of the two girls, sleek and lean in her youth. Zyn's legs are longer, but Zoe has her raven-esque wings! Which she uses to give herself a little extra speed at times. Their daddy watches mostly, but every now and then tries to tag her too. She dodges him with a new move she's learned, flaring her wings out to help her in stopping abruptly before leaping away and using a strong downward thrust to gain momentum in changing direction. She hasn't flown with her wings yet, but they have other uses. Running away now, slightly smug, she tosses a wide grin at them over her shoulder. "Too fast for ya!" And no sooner did she get to stick her tongue out at them, she trips over a rock or something and goes tumbling. Grunting and huffing, she works to get her bearings and stand up, but by then Zynnie has caught up to her. Zoe's dark eyes spark up at her sister and she laughs. "Whoops." 

Daddy comes over to them and nuzzles both girls, nipping at Zoe's forelock fuzz and earning a nip from her in return. He says that's what she gets for gloating, to which she merely shrugs and grins at him. Momma moves to join them after a moment and brushes lovings over her twin's hip and then her own withers before moving to Daddy's side and leaning into him. As Zynnie asks if she would like to join their game, Zoe smiles hopefully up at her too. Her sister cuddles into their mother's side, and so Zoe moves in to reach up and kiss mom's cheek, standing sort of angled in front of both parents. Eyes dart over to Zyn as she shoos her away from daddy. Her little black ears flick backward and she stomps her own hoof in response. "Well then YOU get away from Mommy." Zoe's head rises and her neck arches proudly as she steps closer to her sister, as though to move past her, but reaches in to nip at her ear before darting away and flicking her tail in Zyn's face, snickering as she takes off.

[Zoryn]

do something about it

This whole dad thing has been so surreal to him. Given their past and lack of decent parents as role models, it's the last thing he has expected to enjoy. Maybe that's what made it easier, knowing how not to be. But being their father, maybe even an alright one, has thrown him for a loop. Because he loves those two girls, dashing around him right now, more than he ever could have imagined love to even be like. More, possibly, than what he thought he felt for Diz. Although he could never bear to part with any of them. He'd kill anyone who'd threaten to take them from him. Even the thought sends rumbles through his mind from a beast that has been surprisingly quiet over the last year.

As he watches the twin girls chasing each other around him, he thinks how could he not be enamored by them? Certainly, when they were born, he'd been surprised by them both. Two precious baby girls- girls, the fairies are benevolent creatures, new to the world. Zynistra, he'd named the first. She is the image of their father, damn him. But she has Zor's eyes. And damn it all, his grin too. Wicked little thing. Dizorien, the second to be born, had earned her name on her own. The birthing process was surely a strain on both mother and child, enough that apparently the little one had decided to skip it all. When it had been her turn to arrive, she shrank down to the size of- well something really damn small- and came flooding out with her birthing sac. It was such a surprise, they thought they'd lost her at first, until she exploded back to the size she was supposed to be. These girls would be the death of him one day. He'd known it that very moment. Now Zoe, she is the image of her mother, mostly, and oh how beautiful she is. But it is the way she is a bit smaller and leaner, the way she moves. Those stars in her dark eyes. Especially those that gave away the thing he didn't want to- wouldn't- admit. He isn't her blood-sire. But damned if he wouldn't always be her daddy. Always. No one could take that from him. Again with the rumble in his mind. They had not even seen Dovev in what must have been a year or so. Where was he? Did he not care about them anymore? Damn him. The beast inside him rose and stretched its legs, licking its chops. He takes a deep breath and releases it. It's better he's not here, he tells himself. What kind of influence would he have had over them? A growl only he can hear resounds in his head--

"You can't catch meee!" Snapping from his thoughts, he chuckles as Zoe uses her wings to gain just ahead of Zyn. At one point he snakes his head out to tag her too, but she expertly dodges him. They aren't tiny anymore at a year old, but he is thankful they still have their youth. Even if they do keep him up at night at times, and definitely always keep him busy. He tries to let them have some independence, but always wants to keep them close. "Too fast for ya!" Little Zoe is a bit of a showboat and in her taunting, forgets to mind her footing. He shakes his head and tries to hide his grin as he moves toward them, meaning to scold her. When he reaches them, though, Zoe's dark eyes are doing that sparkling dance as she giggles up at her sister. His heart skips at that look on her face, and sends his inner beast off to its corner back to sleep. An odd response that he's still not accustomed to. So he nuzzles both Zoe and his Zynnie girl. But still manages to sternly say, "That's what you get for gloating, young lady. Should be more careful." And nips at her forelock, forcing back a laugh as she nips back at him. Sassy thing with her little shrug and that damn grin.


Play time for him subsides some as Dizzy comes to join them. Beautiful, she was and always is. The way the sun catches the sheen of her contrasting colors, black and white always at war with each other. The way her mane slightly waves down her neck, forelock curling to frame her face. Just gorgeous. And she came to rest beside him, leaning against him for support. He wants to believe it's all out of affection, but he doesn't miss the tiredness in her brown eyes. The faint ache in the little "Hi." she gives them. "Hey there, love." He responds warmly anyway, running his nose from her forehead to her muzzle to land a kiss there. Warmth spreads through him from the spot she brushes her nose against his shoulder. He knows something has been weighing on her, but not how to get her to tell him about it. His heart thumps heavy in his chest, steady but aching with words he doesn't know to say. Talking wasn't a thing they knew well how to do. Something he wants to change, but isn't sure how. He sighs softly, gazing at her with longing, but attention pulls to the girls. Zynnie, who stomps and tells Zoe to move away from him so that Diz can have her turn. He snickers, unable to stop it. Though instead of speaking up, his eyes turn to Zoe whose ears turn back- god they are too cute for their own good- and stomps in retort, telling Zyn to move away from Diz. He didn't need to say a thing as Zoe strutted over to her sister and suddenly nipped at her and darted away. Reaching over to nuzzle behind Diz's ear, he blows his amusement into her hair. "Can you believe we made these two?" Never mind the fact he wouldn't speak of.

[Disastardly]

Momma. God, she remembered that feeling, eyes all lit up and sparkling, a happy little dance closer to sneak a little kiss to skin that smelled like home. Except home never gave her enough, never gave her what she needed. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said back softly, painting the smile on her face that she’d always wanted to see on her mom’s. Even if the last thing in the world she felt like doing was smiling. “What’d you have in mind?” She reached down to brush Zynnie’s forelock out of her eyes, lipping at the hair and doing her best to put love or at least tenderness into the motion. Soft, gentle, sweet little touches.

More soft touches for Zoe too, returning her daughter’s affection with brushes of the velvet softness of her nose and warm breath against her skin. Zoe seemed to have other games in mind, however; perhaps she’d learned Momma wasn’t very good at playing, learned not to ask it of her unless she wanted to mood of the game to shift down from such youthful exuberance.

At least their games were better than hers and Zor’s had been.

Zoe nipped her sister to draw her attention and ire and then took off, just about begging Zynnie to give chase. And Dizzy couldn’t help the relief that flooded her. There was only so much she could pretend, and snuggles and soft touches were far easier than laughter and bright eyes and playful grins. Playing took so much more out of her, and she already felt like she had next to nothing to give.

And then there was one.

She should want those soft touches too, should love the soft little brushes of his lips against her face, her muzzle, just behind her ear. That hot little breath of amusement should get her heart beating faster, her eyelids heavier, a languid warmth spreading through her veins. She could remember the feeling if she tried hard enough. But it was so long gone. She didn't turn away, wouldn’t do that to him, but she didn’t have it in her to melt against him with a happy little sigh.

“Can you believe we made those two?”

She went still for a heartbeat, not quite sure how to answer. That ‘we’ was not just the two of them was something they never talked about, never even hinted at. But even factoring in the other part of ‘we,’ she still had a hard time believing they were real, or hers, that any of this was her life. So she shook her head, careful to make sure the expression on her face at least resembled his amused awe. “No.” Soft, sweet, with a smile on her lips to warm the word from god no, I don’t know what I’m doing I can’t breathe how is this my life? to no, they’re perfect, isn’t it amazing? “Can you?”

Maybe it was the same for him. Maybe they were both lying, trying so hard not to let their little family down that they felt completely alone in the way sometimes looking at them made her want to just god please wake up. That she watched them and wondered if this was how her and Zor’s mother felt about them, that utter lack of connection like objectively she knew those babies came out of her body and were hers, that she’d made them, grown them inside her, carried them until they were big enough to survive outside of her, and then labored to bring them into the world...but she couldn’t feel it, couldn’t feel that bond she was supposed to have with them.

She was supposed to breathe in their scents and be overwhelmed with maternal love, right? Just melt into a dopey grin and want to do nothing but cuddle them and fuss over them and make their lives happy and perfect. She felt none of it, but the last thing she wanted was to be her mom. So she lied with every touch, with every kiss, closing her eyes and dreaming of the mother she would’ve wanted if she’d had a choice, and doing her damndest with every breath to pretend that was who she was.

Maybe Zor was doing the same? She barely managed not to hold her breath waiting for his answer. Maybe it’d be more real than hers.

[Zoryn]

He watches her with them, smiling warmly at the soft touches and snuggles and the way they beam up at her, asking her to play. The way she nuzzles them and asks what they have in mind. But her smile never reaches her eyes. The warmth of her voice has an undertone of hollowness. Things he believes only he can see. Or at least he hopes. Something weighs heavy on her. He's been suspecting of such, and although she makes a valiant effort to hide it, he's been noticing more and more.

Call him selfish if you will, damn it, for he continues to try to get some kind of physical response from her. Just something, anything, to let him know she is here with him. With all three of them, of course, but also with him. His eyes are closed as his face is pressed into the soft of her neck behind her cheek, and he's glad for it, so that he misses any slip of expression- or anything he might not be ready for- passing over her face when he asks his amused little question. He feels it though- fuck- the slight bit of tension in her muscles. The little jump in her pulse- the opposite of the pleasurable kind. All in the span of a heartbeat or two before she pastes the smile on her face and shakes her head no. "Can you?"

He pulls away from her, though really only his face. Just for a moment. And his eyes trail on to where the girls were fading off into the distance. He sees in their posture how sneaky they think they are. He grins, amused. Though secretly he is glad they are wandering off for now. He doesn't like for them to go too far beyond where he can see. But he can't hold them forever. They deserved to explore some, to learn things that parents can't always teach. Besides, he wants a heart to heart with Dizzy. And now seems to be a good time for that.

He sighs, heart sinking in his chest. Succumbing a bit to the thoughts weighing so heavily on his mind. He touches her, but she only gives back the bare minimum. No longer leaning into him, no longer does he feel the burn that used to spark to life and rage between them. In reality it wasn't so long ago, but to him this last year has felt a lifetime. Long enough for him to grow concerned. He's tried space. But now he needed more. His beast is restless in his mind, as well. Not yet pacing, but the twitching of its dark muscles, the flex and retract of its claws.

For the moment, he is attempting to assuage the darkness, reaching back for her and tugging her closer to him. "I can, and I can't. Zoe reminds me of you, and Zynnie of me. They're better than us already, which is what we wanted. I don't always know what I'm doing, but.. All I know is I love them more than life." He lets the truth flow through him, and is surprised at the ease of which it comes. "I will love them always, no matter what." Pulling his face back enough to look at her, he lets the ache he's been harboring finally show.

Brown flecked with amethyst meet the rich chocolate of her eyes as he confesses that which she should already know. Words that need to be said. "It'll always be the same for you, y'know. No matter what happens or how things change, I will always love you, too." He stands frozen then. Never before feeling such a mixture of hot and cold. There is distance between them that he's tried to deny. Tried to convince himself it wasn't there. His stare finally breaks from hers and his head lowers, just a bit, gazing out ahead at the trees surrounding them and lining the river. He must do something. Even if right now he didn't know what.

[Disastardly]

Dizzy watched him, the softness in his eyes, the grin on his face as he watched their girls. It looked genuine, and Zor had never especially been one for pretense. It helped. Really. It was good, that he was head over heels in love with them, that he felt all the things he should feel as a dad when he looked at them. It was a good thing.

She should be happy.

And she was, about that. For them. God, she was, she wasn’t selfish enough to wish Zor felt the same empty distance in his chest that she did, stretching out and creating chasms between her and the people who loved her. She couldn’t wish that on him, or on the girls. But God, that smile made her feel even more alone.

“Good,” she said softly, reached out to rub her cheek against his neck.. “You’re great with them, Zor. So damn much better than our parents were with us. I’m proud of you.” And a little jealous of how easily he could say that, could mean it. “They’re lucky girls, to have you as a dad.” Not so lucky to have her as a mom, but she tried. God, she tried.

He pulled back to look at her, and it was all she could do not to look away, not to dodge the truth in his eyes. “I know, Zor. I love you too.” She gave him truth, just...just not the truth he wanted. She did love him, but not with the fiery intensity that used to take them over, that used to rage between them, especially between the three of them.

She’d broken it, falling for Dov. She’d broken everything between them, broken their little family before it even started. A whole damn year without him, without so much as a glimpse of him, and she still just wanted to curl up in his arms and beg him to hold her and make everything okay.

Or chase it all away with his touch.

She sighed. “I love you too, Zor. You’re my brother, and I’m always gonna love you.” Just not the way you want.

[Zoryn]

At first, when she speaks, it eases him. Quiets the buzzing in his mind, in his chest. He can't stop the smile turning the edges of his lips upward as she tells him how good he is with them and that she's proud. He is too- proud of himself, of the girls, of her. They were doing it. This thing they weren't ready for- either of them. This thing they hadn't anticipated on having so soon. This.. thing that they were so unsure of. Before. But Zoryn isn't so worried now. Not about the girls. Their wonderful baby girls were doing just fine. As were they. Or so he would have himself believe. Until the moment the hollow omission of words she wasn't saying clicked into place in his head. He's great with them. She's proud of him. They're lucky to have him. He frowns, but tries so hard to hide it. To deny it. To shove it away. A growl from deep within in answer of the roaring of thoughts in his head. The sinking of his heart into his gut sends the monster inside him pacing again, but he tries- oh, he tries- to hush it.

He'd pulled back to look at her, and damn the hesitation in her returning gaze, but he told her anyway. Told her how much he cares for her, and always would. His eyes soften with the truth and weight of his words, and he makes himself so goddamned vulnerable in those next few moments. But fuck, the way her eyes just don't shine. Like there is this wall of fog he's trying to see through, but it blocks the deepest parts of her he wants- needs- to see. She returns the sentiment, "I know, Zor. I love you too." Oh, fuck. He used to be able to feel those words go all the way through him. Knew the truth of those words throughout his body. A snarl, a flash of fangs, a twitch of muscles. Tension builds inside him, turning him even more restless. He has to do something. But what? So badly, the urge rises to grab her and shake her from whatever this was that had a hold on her.

He knows she loves him. That was something that just couldn't be taken away. Not from them, not ever. But this distance isn't something he can stand much longer. This... loss? No, not loss. Never that. A swipe of claws on the edges of his mind. It climbs the walls of its cage, dragging those piercing talons down dreadfully slow as her next words come after a sigh. “I love you too, Zor. You’re my brother, and I’m always gonna love you.” That does it for him. Confirms thoughts he hates, thoughts he has tried to purge. There's this awful burn in the back of his throat that travels down to swirl in his stomach. This deep, awful ache in his chest as something breaks.

He's her brother.

Mother of fuck. His head is shaking, his beast rattling its cage. He's her brother. It's true. Always would be. But he'd come to feel like so much more. Saw her as so much more than his sister. Hell, they have kids together. And the love he feels for them all had ruled over all else for him since before the girls were conceived. Since he'd felt her body writhing beneath his, felt the way they burned so damn good when they came together. It had consumed him. She had consumed him. Become so much a part of him that he was blind to see she... doesn't feel the same. The beast roars as a wave of pain rolls through him. A deep throbbing ache settling deep in his chest. He pulls back from her, steps away, mind reeling. His breaths come shorter with his need to do something, but not knowing what. So he paces slowly in front of her, mimicking a milder version of that of his inner mind-beast. In that moment, he wishes for the claws of it too, so he could rip into something. Himself, perhaps, or something around them. How did this happen.

A deep growl comes from somewhere in his chest, real this time instead of that which he hears in his head all the time. He stops with his body perpendicular to her, not looking at her. He can't right now. The purple in his eyes is bright within the brown, but he clenches his lids shut over them. "What is it, Diz? What is wrong." Speaking through gritted teeth, he doesn't elaborate. Feels he doesn't have to. So tense, his whole body becomes, that he begins to tremble with it. Ears go back, head lowers just slightly. Breaths forcing themselves through his lungs and out his nose. He doesn't know how to do this, but he has to. Do something, anything. His eyes reveal themselves, burning holes in his sockets. Turning to look at her, he forces the words out, voice echoing his ache and tension. "How long has this been going on? I know you love me, and I you. But you're pulling away, and I-" can't take it. He tosses his head in the other direction for emphasis. "I don't know. But something's wrong, damn it.. Tell me how to fix it."

The fire in his belly expands and grows, his eyes bore into hers. He steps closer to her until their noses almost touch. "Do you think you're not a good mom? Because they love you. You're doing fine." His tone finally softens some, even as his anxiety grows. "We are fine." Trying to convince her, or himself. Either way. "What is it, Dizzy? What can I do?" Ducking his eyes so as to blink away the burning wetness that suddenly came, he wants to move closer to her, bring her back into him. Wants to fill some of this void that was yawning within him. Wants to put his mouth on her, touch her. Do anything. But he can't bring himself to move forward. Not with this brick fucking wall between them. So he waits.

[Disastardly]

Part of her knew. As soon as the word slipped out, echoing in the vast chasm that had grown between them, part of her knew she broke his heart with one little word. Brother.

She wasn't blind. It had been play to her their first time, taking childhood games to new heights with the addition of his delicious new toy. Dovev. She wasn't sure when it became more than that for him, more than possessive jealousy and hormones setting his blood on fire. He’d never had to share her before; she'd missed the earliest signs.

Maybe it had been in the aftermath of their first time, all three of them coming together to drive each other wild. Or the second, when she’d come away from it a little less unscathed. Maybe it had been there from the start, from their harmless, vicious games as children. But she hadn’t understood, too young and dumb to understand the intensity in his eyes.

It wasn’t until she went and fell for Dov that she recognized it.

He shook his head, pulled away, breathing hard and fast, radiating enough frantic energy it pushed him into pacing, growled and pushed her through gritted teeth to just tell him. Just tell him what was going on. And she watched, knowing that a year ago her heart would’ve been breaking right along with him, but right now all she could feel was this deep numb that seeped all the way down to her bones.

“I’m not fine,” she said softly, her dark eyes following him as he tossed his head, as he tried to close the distance between them that was so much more than just physical. So much more than either of them could reach.

“I’m not fine, Zor. I’ve been trying, but I haven’t been fine in a long time.” She looked off in the distance where the twins had disappeared. “And I don’t know if there’s any fixing it. I’m no good at this, Zor. Worse than Mom was, ‘cause at least she was honest about it. I look at them and I don’t feel...anything. I try. I want to. But there’s just this empty...this void in my chest where my heart’s supposed to be.

“Sometimes I can’t breathe, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel like I’ve been drowning from the day they were born. From the day I started failing them. Maybe there’s just too much of Mom in me, or...or maybe I broke it all when I fell for Dov,” she murmured, making herself look at him when she said those last words. She was in love with him, and he barely had the time of day for her. Maybe she really was just like their mom.

Fuck, she was an idiot.

“I’m not fine,” she repeated softly, shaking her head. “I haven’t been for…a year? more? I’ve been trying to fix things, trying to be what you and the girls need me to be, trying to love you all like you deserve, but...but I don’t have it in me. I knew it the moment I saw them, and it’s not getting any better. I’m broken, Zor, and I don’t think there’s any fixing me.”

[Zoryn]

He knows. He knows it's going to be bad. Knows he isn't going to like her answer. From the moment she wouldn't meet his eyes, only watched him, standing in silence with this gods-damned wall between them. He knows he's fucking doomed, even as he pushes her to tell him. But he has to. He can't ignore it any longer, can't deny it anymore. It's real, and his mind reels with all the moments they'd shared since the girls were born. Moments when he'd looked over all the signs. Moments that now flood from his memory like he'd broken some kind of dam. Still, he tries. To console her. To convince her things are okay. But her face never changes. Her eyes remain disconnected.

And then all he knows bursts into flames when she opens her disastrous mouth.

“I’m not fine, Zor. I’ve been trying, but I haven’t been fine in a long time.” His brows furrow, the guilt eating at him. He should have noticed it a long time ago. Should have addressed it sooner. If he'd loved her enough, he should have. But she's still talking. He owes it to her to listen. "I’m no good at this, Zor. Worse than Mom was, ‘cause at least she was honest about it. I look at them and I don’t feel...anything. I try. I want to. But there’s just this empty...this void in my chest where my heart’s supposed to be." Okay, wait. No. No. His face tightens and ears pin to his nape. His nose wrinkles at the mention of their mother. And then she compares herself to the wretch. But it's that next part that hurts the most. "You can't mean that. Dizzy..." He grunts with the effort to come up with words when she speaks again. This time, however, her speech comes in a blur as he tries to think of ways to deny it, excuse it.

"..or maybe I broke it all when I fell for Dov.”

All the noise in his head stops. Everything. All of it. Silence. His face falls, and he freezes. It holds for a few heartbeats as his eyes bore into hers, searching, before the beast growls low. Low and slow, until it builds and rises. Similarly, his own voice is much deeper when he forces the word, "What." It coils on itself, fangs dripping, claws extended. Zoryn's face tightens once more, his gaze holding hers. His eyes burn in their sockets as he stares her down. Through his veins, a slow streak of venom spreads and smolders. "Dovev." He barely registers his own voice. Shocked. They haven't seen the bony bastard in.. well, over a year. She states it herself. But still, somehow she's stuck on him. "How could you." The sentence doesn't complete itself. In truth, there are so many ways he could end that question.

His muscles bunch up and suddenly he explodes upward. With no other way to release the pressure inside of him, he exerts his forelimbs out at the air. It isn't enough. Not nearly. Ears flattened, nares flared, he moves to strike the trunk of a tree. The force of it merely shakes it, loosening some bark. But it was more the impact of his body that he needed to feel. The reverberations spreading upward through his limbs to his chest. "HOW." He whirls on her, teeth bared and wishing for the fangs of his beast. "How could you possibly love him. What's there to love?! We haven't seen him in..." An exasperated toss of his skull. "A long ass time, Diz. He hasn't been here for you. For the girls. And yes. I know Zoe is his. It's all in her dazzling little eyes. But I don't care. I'm here. Me."

His eyes seethe, tasting acid at the back of his throat with the fury building within him. He feels this awful hurt within him and it just isn't the same pain that he enjoys. No, this one is worse. Like something ripping apart in his chest from the inside and there was no way to get away from it. But he isn't weak. He could succumb to the tears welling behind his eyes. He doesn't. Instead, he lets it boil over into anger. Rage is much easier to digest, much easier to give into. And oh, it feels so good to give into it. Not to the fact that he brought this on them himself. Zoryn is the one who found Dovev, who latched onto him. He who targeted him and found such joy in pushing those buttons. Taking them all to a new high they'd never been before. But no, he can't think of that now. Dovev. The delicious bastard. It was his fault. Making his beautiful sister feel this way for him and then disa-fucking-ppear. He won't stand for it.

Settling a bit from his display, but tensing up again, he eyes his sister from under dark lashes, voice turning low and rough once more. "So he's the reason you can't love your daughters?" Or me? But he won't touch that one, not now. Hurts too much. Anger is easier, yes. "Maybe you are more like her than we thought." It comes out as a growl, accompanied with a glare. A scoff, next. A shake of his golden crown, edged with black and white streaks. "Do you not hear how ridiculous that sounds?! We said we wouldn't be like them, and you're just giving in. Over him." The last bit ends in a hiss, and to his ears accompanied by the animalistic snarl of the beast within him. Never did he want to release it more than now, and damn the consequences.

He turns away from her, the heat reaching his eyes again and boiling over. A tear falls, followed by another, but  he won't let her see. Can't let her see now what she's doing to him. Clearly it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters to her is Dovev, the monstrous bag of bones. A play toy. That was all he was supposed to be. Goddamnit, fuck. "Fine," he growls, and his voice crackles with fury. His tail whips in his frustration, slapping against his side- a delightful sting. He knows what he needs to do now. For the first time, he hates himself. What he is, how he feels, what he wants. But he won't let her see. "Just fine, Dizzy. If that's what it takes for you to be happy, fine. But don't you dare take it out on those girls. They need you. Don't you let them know what you told me here today. On me, is one thing. Dov, whatever. But they love you and need you. Keep pretending if you must."

Oh, the rage. It lusts through him, burning him alive slowly from within. Licking and gnawing. His beast roars out, the loudest he's heard it in so long. He has to go. Has to do what he must. Haunches bunched, he prepares to sprint off, shoulders flexed and ready. He peeks behind him at her, from behind his dark mane. "I'll still love you forever. I can take it... I'll return." And with that, he bursts forward into motion. Out into the shadows of the trees, barreling through brush and welcoming the sting of low branches scraping against his sides. Once he's far enough, it becomes so easy to slip into his predatory state. A helpless victim would be fine, but there is only one he could seek out to get what he really needs now.
Star light, star bright, to find the one with stars to bite.