"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
It was when Lilitha didn’t return home for bedtime that he realised that he hadn’t actually seen her since they left the Mountain… so caught up in everything, he had assumed that she was off with the twins playing in their forest, exploring their new home, perhaps testing out her new wings dodging in and out of the trees.
But, clearly, she wasn’t. Getting to sleep at that point was not an option; he was too worried for the small girl.
And so he leaves Maribel and the children safely within their new home (abandoning them on the first night, in favour of finding their little Lilitha - not that Maribel would’ve minded, of course, she would’ve been just as worried about the filly as he was).
It’s not an excessively long trip to the Forest, and he follows the sandy shore of the slash of sea between Taiga and forest, cool wind blowing in off the water, moonlight rippling on the surface.
The Forest is quiet and dark. Romek calls out his daughter’s name, searching for her, searching, like he sought Maribel, with fear and worry in his heart. It wouldn’t be fair to lose Lilitha now, not after surviving the Reckoning, and finding each other. That would just not be fair.
It’s scary being all alone again, but I’ve managed to find a couple of cozy places here in the forest. A nice willow tree was my first little cuddly spot, and now I’m nestled up in a little bitty almost-cave and sheltered from the snow. The cold has still sunk into my bones without my fire friend here to keep me warm, and without anybody warm to snuggle up against to chase it away. But I’m almost getting used to the way it numbs my most of me, just leaving a sad little ache in my chest.
It’s quiet here, hiding in the dark and trying to get a little sleep ‘til the sun comes out. At least that’s still warm, even if it’s far, far away in the sky and out of reach, a distant echo of the fire that used to wrap around me like a little blanket, keeping me cozy all the time even in the tundra. But right now, in the night time, there’s not even the faraway sun to warm my bones, so I curl up and shiver and listen to the chattering of my teeth and try really hard to sleep just a little bit.
Even if that feels impossible.
I close my eyes, and clench my jaw to make the clattering, rattling sound of my teeth stop, and just curl up a little smaller and tighter and try to pretend I’m somewhere safe and warm and home. I don’t get to have home, the world herself said so. But she can’t stop me from pretending.
So I imagine warmth tucked around me, flickering fire dancing along my skin and chasing away the cold. I imagine my dad nuzzling my shoulder, his warm breath puffing out along my skin. I imagine him lying down next to me, snuggling close so I can feel his heart beating. “Goodnight and sweet dreams, Lily-girl,” I can almost hear him murmur.
His voice sounds wrong when he says my name, though, frantic and upset instead of a quiet, soothing sound of comfort and love. “Lily! Lilitha!” Still, it takes a moment for me to realize I’m not just imagining him really, really well.
“Daddy?” I call back, scrambling to my feet, hardly daring to hope he’s more than just a figment of my lonely heart’s fiercest hope. I duck out of the cave and race toward the sound of my daddy’s voice, and by the time I finally see him, tears are rolling down my face all over again. “Daddy!” Oh, he didn’t forget me. The world didn’t chase me out of his mind and his heart and take away the only home I’ve ever really had.
I throw myself into his embrace, curling up against him as if I could climb into his skin and never ever be left alone again. “You found me.” My words are a broken little sob, but it doesn’t matter, not that or the way this whole day has been the saddest of my entire life, short though it’s been. My daddy’s here. That’s all that matters.
He thought he had felt grateful before, but it was not a patch on what he felt now as he watched his little fire-girl burst out the brush, tears rolling down her face. He holds her close to him, protectively, his own eyes feeling a little watery. He felt bad for misplacing her in the first place, for not realising she was not there instantly – but there had been so much going on, that he truly hadn’t noticed.
”Where were you? What happened?” he asks her, in his best stern-parent voice, despite the overwhelming relief he feels at finding her. She shouldn’t have gone wandering off on her own. They were all busy that day. ”You didn’t think I’d be mad at you for telling the gods what-for, did you?” he remembers her burning anger with… Pride. That was it, he was proud of her for sticking to her guns so fiercely, proud of her for not rolling over when everyone else was. Romek begged. He would’ve begged and rolled onto his back if it meant securing a home for his family (not that he didn’t try to understand why the gods were so angry - he found it hard to believe that they would tear their own land apart just to spite them all).
”Come home.” he says. ”Taiga is lovely. Your siblings like it. There’s a lot to explore. Come on, Lily, let’s go home.”
Oh, Daddy wraps me up in the biggest hug ever, and I cling to him tighter than I can remember ever holding onto anyone in my whole life, my body heaving with the force of my relieved sobbing. And then the crying eases, and the tears slow, and it’s just me all snug and cozy against my daddy’s side, rubbing my face against his shoulder to dry the tears from my cheeks. And just because I want to, because it makes the hurting in my chest a little bit less, hiding my face against his skin.
But the moment can’t last forever. “Where were you?” he asks, and “What happened?” and the world comes crashing into our happy little reunion. I shake my head as he keeps talking, because of course I didn’t leave because I thought he was mad at me. That would’ve been pretty dumb, and also kind of cowardly. And I don’t think I’m either of those things, surely not enough to run away from the person who loves me most in the whole world.
The only person who loves me, really, except maybe my cuddly best friends. I think they might love me at least a little bit. But that’s not the same as having somebody to take care of you, and my heart already hurts that I can’t do what he asks of me. That I can’t follow him home to the land he begged of the world for us. That I can’t run around Taiga, exploring with my siblings, playing with them until the word feels true.
I take a deep breath, and pull back from him a step so I can look at his face when I tell him, “I can’t, Daddy. I would’ve followed you if I could, all the way to the end of forever, or at least to the home you fought so hard to get for us.” I smile a sad little smile, the corners of my lips curving upwards despite the heaviness of my heart. Another deep breath, and as I let it out, I stand up taller, raising my head in defiance of what I have to tell him. If I could see the mountain in the darkness I’d be glaring at it, but I can’t make it out in the moonless night.
“I can’t come home with you. Beqanna won’t let me in.” There’s no need to tell him the rest, about the way the fire hurts now, not when I can’t use it anyhow. That feels...it feels like mine, like a burden he doesn’t need to bear. But he needs to know that I didn’t leave him, that I didn’t run away or wander off or turn up my nose at what he worked so hard to earn for our family.
“I’m sure it’s beautiful, and I wish I could come see it and explore like you said, that sounds really nice. But I can’t. I’m sorry, Daddy.” Not for what I said to Beqanna to provoke the curse she laid on me. I’d say it all again, even knowing the cost. I’m only sorry that he’ll hurt too, that I’m not the only one who will suffer for my defiance. I’m glad at least that he can go home to the others, that my actions didn’t cost him and the rest of his family a safe place to call their own. Even if I never get to see it, I will still be happy for that much.
