this is all of me for all the world to see; leliana

[Dovev]

He loved the sound of her breathing, coming so shallow now. Like his. The heat of desire soared through him, encouraged by her every sound, every touch. Her heart would be thundering, too, like his. She wanted this. She wanted him.

She responded to his gasp, her head tipping back. It was all the prompting he needed and he was there at her throat, hot mouth forming around her, kissing her deeply. Every taste of her was not enough, every look in those clouded eyes, thick with wanting. He needed more. I don't care, her head shook, brushing away his reminder not to touch him, and her lips were on his face again, I don't care, Dovev. She dragged a low groan from him, the sensation of her soft lips on his skin rendering him helpless, driving him further into this blissful haze. Her touch was everything.

He tugged her into him and she gasped. It rippled through him, a shock to his system, a crashing wave of unbearable need for her. Everything was so hot, so burning, and the heated pulse of her magic swept through him, collided with it; mixing, igniting, erupting. The tide turned tsunami, and his eyes shot wide.

Leliana, he moaned helplessly, barely containing the swell of power, the charge of ecstasy. Her magic did not soothe this time. It rushed and pounded, it built up and pushed against his feeble grasp at control. There was a part of him that hadn't wanted this to go any further, a part he'd intended on listening to. He couldn't chance the season, couldn't bear the thought of ruining her as he had Cerva. He couldn't curse her with his dark spawn and have her hate him too. Abandoned again. He had Atrani; maybe she was all he was meant to have, to hold close. She was his everything.

Say it. Tell me you care about me.
Somehow, he rocked backwards when everything in his mind was rocking into her in maddening rhythm. His heartbeat deafened his ears, slammed against his chest, fought against the breadth of space he forced between them. The need in his eyes didn't shadow, but he desperately tried to cage it, lock it away and keep her safe. He gasped for air, pressing his forehead to hers and drawing ragged breaths. His head shook, just barely.

I.. Of course he cared. Of course she was the one to make him lose his mind, nearly lose control. He never much cared for control, took what he wanted, but now he knew what his love brings. Now he knew he had to care. His thoughts were still trapped in the heat, reluctant to leave that place of wonder so he could think straight. I do, Leliana. I care for you. And that's why he had to leave.

He hadn't meant for this to happen. Meant to tell her he had a family -but he didn't, meant to tell her he had a child to look after. Meant to watch her turn her back and leave forever. He couldn't do any of that when she drove him so deep in consuming passion. This was the part where he told her he needed to leave. Explain it to her another day when she wasn't so damn addicting.

But his voice died, and all he could do was hold her as he tried to calm the hurricane of emotions.

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

He ignited things in her she didn’t know were possible, bringing things to life in her chest—animating them with his touch. A soft moan escaped her as his mouth found her throat, as he tasted her there, and it was all she could do to stand, her heart pounding, pulse racing beneath her skin. This was dangerous, and she knew it; this was going to end poorly, and she knew that too. There was no other option for them. There was no way for this ship to be righted, the course corrected. This would go down in flames.

And she still handed herself over to the inferno.

But then—then—he stumbled backward out of it, and she was cooled by it, the space akin to throwing water over the flames. “Oh,” she said softly, the air whooshing out of her, her mind crawling back to her in bits and pieces. Reason returned, albeit unsteadily, and she clawed for some semblance of control, fighting to get a grip on the edges of her sanity. He had ripped that from her so cleanly, the edges of her fraying beneath the tsunami of his touch, the seams pulling apart from the gentlest of encouragements.

Still, the space afforded her a moment to breathe, to draw in a gulp of air, to steady herself—and although there was a part of her that fought against the way he pulled her back above water, there was another part of her that was grateful for it. That was glad to have control over her mind again. Even just a little.

His words should have made her happy, but instead, they made her cold. He hadn’t told her of his own accord. They had been words forced from him at her prompting, at her questioning. Shame flooded her belly. She shook her pretty head but still, went to curl into his chest, held by him. She could feel the steady thrum of his heartbeat and for a moment, she lost herself in it, wondering why, despite the fact that she was cocooned in his warmth, and he had said the words she had longed to hear, she still felt so sad.

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow

[Dovev]

Leliana, he murmured against her, adoration clear in his voice, holding her delicately. From reluctance, to rage, to passion, and back again. Hesitant. But not here in her arms. Solid and sure, here. It was the discussion they needed that he was reluctant for, desperately wanting to keep this moment something beautiful to remember. She said she knew, but he needed her to understand.

Their breaths gradually slowed, drifted back to normal, though his heart still raced. He still wanted her. So badly. She melted into him, and yet felt distant, crestfallen. Had he upset her? His brows knit together and he pulled back slightly, sought out her eyes. Did she see this as rejection? He probably would have. It stung him that he'd ever make her feel that, the sharp stab of it so deeply. He immediately wanted to right that.

Leliana, he said again, a soft plea. He couldn't stop touching her, pressing a kiss to her forehead, her brow, her hair. I want this. I want you. Just not like this. The hungry, the needing, the urgent devouring. He'd take it so eagerly, so gladly. And love every moment of it. But he wanted her to know things first. He couldn't bear to imagine her ever regretting him, regretting them. Couldn't stand thinking she might see herself as the other woman.

But where to begin? How to say it all?

My child is home. Resting, he said quietly, eyes tracing every delicate line of her face. Of course Atrani would come to mind first, would be the first thing on his lips, in his thoughts. She was everything. He shook his head, suddenly grieving the time he'd lost as she grew in Cerva's belly. Their child. Their love. His voice was fragile when he spoke again. I..didn't know I was having a baby. I couldn't remember anything, only darkness. Only pain.

He shifted against her, wishing he didn't have to bear himself so openly for her. Wishing he didn't feel so vulnerable. But he would share this, he would let her choose to walk away. Damn, but he couldn't stop touching her. His lips trailed over her skin, breath huffing into her. He ached to taste her more, kiss her deeply and hear her sigh in pleasure at his touch again. He wanted her.

That's when I found you. You were the only thing I knew. The only good in my life. He went back to that day often, replayed it over and over. And the time she came to his home, stayed with him through the night. She had been there in his mind as he trained further, became something lethal and dangerous. Had been there to soothe him in his dreams, when he slept. But it had gotten harder to without her there.

He sighed, hated to bringing up the part where it all fell apart, knowing it would be the part that hurt her. Where his life and love returned. Zoryn- the name was dark and hard in his mouth -took me to her. To remember again. ...And I did. There was so much more to say, so much more to explain. But he fell quiet, painful emotions surfacing. Sadness, rejection, bitter anger. So much pain.

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

She was quiet as he spoke. Quiet as the words began to be whispered into her mane, her neck. They were what she expected to hear, but it still cut through her, ripping apart her defenses, leaving her open and vulnerable and aching. As he spoke, she began to shake, small trembles that raced beneath the flesh; small earthquakes that threatened to tear her apart, to expose all the beams and pillars barely holding her afloat.

She couldn’t bear to hear these truths and yet she couldn’t bring herself to stop him. Because these were the truths that would break her. These were the truths that would expose all of the self-hatred and shame, that would turn against her, create wounds she could not heal from. Still, she remained there, pressed into his chest, her mouth on him, tasting the salt and the desire. A reminder, she told herself.

Burning it all into her brain to save for later.

She waited until he fell silent, after he had brought up the stallion’s name, (Zoryn and this too was branded in her mind). She waited until the only thing that could be heard was the steady beating of their hearts, their shallow breaths. She remained there, wings curled around her barrel, her mouth hovering on his chest. She could survive this, she thought. If this was all she was to be given, she would survive it.

“I am so sorry you went through that,” her voice was uneven at first but then steadied itself, the fog of it whispering through the wind. “To—to lose your memory. I couldn’t imagine it.” It twisted her apart, to think of him in pain, to think of the confusion, the deep, unending black hole within himself. Of course he had sought a diversion. Of course he had looked for something to ease the pain. She couldn’t blame him.

For a moment, she stood there, soaking him in, reminding herself of the way this felt, the way he tasted, the way he smelled. She gave him the smallest of kisses then, lingering before, she took a small step back, peeling from his warmth. Tears appeared in the corners of her hazel eyes but she found his gaze and gave him a soft smile. “I am glad to know your pain is over, Dovev. I am glad to know that…” her tongue faltered when she thought of the gold and white man, the healed wounds aching, “Zoryn helped you.”

Her heart shattered. “I’m happy you have your family back.”

And she was—even when everything in her was slowly turning to dust.

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow

[Dovev]

Every brush of her skin stole his focus again. She was sorry he'd been through it all, sorry he'd lost his memory. He shook his head, dismissing her concerns. It was nothing compared to the loss. Cerva leaving him had broken him the most. She had been the constant presence at his side, the endless source of affection he craved. He'd poured his soul to her, given her everything. Lost his memory for her. Became this weapon for her. But she never came back. Dead or only gone. It didn't matter, she still left him and their baby.

She kissed him, and his mind saw only her again. Her touch ignited him again, fueled the desire carefully tucked away. His eyes sharpened and heated, but watched as she pulled away with moisture in her eyes. Confusion flickered across his face, warping into anger as she mentioned Zoryn again. That he'd helped him. He wasn't sure tearing him from a perfect reality with Leliana had been helping, but he also had to be grateful he'd got his baby girl, got to see Cerva happy. Or pretend happy. Before she left them.

I'm happy you have your family back. His ears pulled back and he jerked his eyes from her. Salt to the wound she didn't realize was there. Family. That's what Cerva had wanted, what he'd given her. How many times had he thought those words, repeated them. Family.

The mother is gone, he said hard unable to speak her name, a finality in his voice that crushed him, that denied any questions about her. He hadn't meant to tell her that. Hadn't really wanted her to know, but he wouldn't have come to her had he still had Cerva. He was ruthless and cruel, but there was only room for one in his dark heart.

He contained the hurt, pushed it down and away. Except it never went away, because even his Atrani would not be able to love him. And would leave him too. He couldn't stand thinking about it. He needed her more than anything.

He sighed and reached for her, pulled her back into him. I can't stay Leliana. I need to be home with her. His actions called him a liar, brought her in further as though he could hold her all night just as before. His lips found her neck, kissing a trail from her shoulder to her throat, slow and tender. Like their first day, as he'd pressed her gently to the ground beneath him, stole wonderful affection and memories from her. Memories he still held so close.

Damn, but he loved the taste of her. Her scent, her eyes. He loved when they went foggy in desire for him, her voice thicker too. He craved it. Mmm Leliana, he murmured into her skin, drew it out in longing. He wanted her. His kiss lingered at her throat, pressing the heat of his tongue to her and pinching lightly. He ached to stir her again, heat her blood for his touch and hear her gasp in pleasure. Did he really have to leave now? Just a moment longer couldn't hurt. He just needed a little more.

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

Conflicting emotions warred in her chest.

The mother is gone.

Cerva.

She remembered the way Zoryn had yelled the name, spat it—the way Dovev had responded, had run away. The memory played endlessly in her mind, on loop, bringing all of the feelings front and center for her to try and untangle, try to make sense of. She shook her head, the tears still there. “Oh,” a soft cry, soft and broken and ringing with pain. That’s why he had come. The mother was gone. She was gone.

Everything moved in slow motion, but her heart pounded in her chest. He reached for her, and she yielded if only because she had no real control over her body. She folded in his side and felt his mouth on her neck, her throat. She felt the way that he was searching for something, hunting for something. Was that all she was? First, a distraction—something to ease the brokenness of loss. And now, a balm.

Something to help him forget again.

She swallowed painfully, the tears not leaving her eyes, her breath shallow. “Dovev,” she whispered his name and hated how much it sounded right on her tongue—hated how even now, in agony, her voice wrapped around it lovingly. “Is that why you came today?” She didn’t move, remained curled against him because she was weak—too weak to push him away, too weak to deny herself this false love.

“I can’t heal that,” her voice was soft, so soft, and she breathed deeply. “I can’t heal the loss of her.” Even her powers couldn’t reach that far, couldn’t dip into his chest to mend a broken heart. She leaned back just slightly to find his gaze, a single tear falling down her cheek. “I wish I could, but I can’t.” Part of her, the part of her that twisted like an angry thing in her chest, wanted to ask why she was always second best.

Why he came to her when memory was gone, when Cerva had left, when there were no other options, but she knew the agony he was experiencing—knew the way that it twisted in his chest, stole his breath. She would not add to that. She refused to pile her own pain on top of his own. So instead she stood there, small trembles racing up her spine, wishing for something that she would never, would never have.

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow

[Dovev]

She whispered his name and he hummed against her, loving the sound of it on her tongue as much as he always had. But what she said next changed the feeling in the air, chilled his blood and made him hesitate. Is that why you came today? He frowned and pulled back, confused. Why he came? Because Cerva was gone? Well, partly. He could come because she was gone, because he was no longer tied to her, did not have someone to be faithful to. But he still didn't have to. He could have stayed home with Atrani, should have stayed home.

But he had to see Leliana again.

I can't heal that. I can't heal the loss of her. I wish I could but I can't. His head was shaking again, and his voice was firm. No, that's not why I came to you. I don't need healing. He pulled away from her, let her have her space, disgusted at the thought of coming to her as though she could solve his problems. As though he would use her. His skin prickled and he felt like he was messing things up again. Always destroying. Cerva's abandonment hurt, shook him to his core, but he didn't need consoling or fixing. It was done, it wasn't changing, it would pass. Without her aid.

I never asked you to heal me, he pointed out. Because he'd never come to her for her magic. He came to her for her. I came because I wanted to see you. I wanted you to know.. give you a chance to leave.. His voice fell softer, broke with the thought of her leaving too. Especially her. It was barely a whisper when he continued. Before I try to keep you. But he could never keep her, could he? She'd never truly accept him, how could she? He turned to hide the hurt in his eyes. She could never be his.

But maybe he was already hers.

I should go, he said quietly, his voice hollow. He'd already broken this. And maybe he'd said too much. But he couldn't stay away, he knew. Already he thought of coming back again for her. But he needed to check on his Atrani, he needed her to stay with him, his heart.

[magnus]

He noticed the way her head lowered, the way she made herself smaller as he approached, and he cursed inwardly. Of course she would notice the frustration and the anger that simmered just below the surface, of course she would pick up on the steam that rolled off of him—the fury. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, attempting to steady himself. Attempting to find some level of inner control.

Something that he would, apparently, need.

Her words tore through him, setting small fires. Confusion, protection, sorrow—they all lighted in his breast at her words. “Leliana?” was the first thing that left his mouth, thinking to the red-haired girl who he had seen Dovev find. It was hard for him to imagine her tearing anything apart. She was so sweet, so quiet. She kept to herself mostly, but he knew when she was around. He felt the way she healed him from afar whenever he had finished a bout with Raeg’n, the various bruises easing all of a sudden.

The confusion was chased by fury—an instinctual need to defend Leliana, to protect her honor. He had no way of knowing what transpired between Leliana and Dovev, but he knew the girl.

He knew she would never bring harm to someone intentionally.

But that too was smothered the second she mentioned Cerva’s name.

“Cerva is dead?” disbelief rung in his voice, quickly followed by self-hatred. He should have protected her; he should have fought for her. That day in the meadow, he had seen the way the strange little boy had looked at her. He had felt the discomfort and fear in his gut, and he had ignored it. Instead of forcing what he believed was right, he had left them to themselves. And now—now, she was dead. It was his fault.

“Atrani,” her name was soft on his tongue, the grief thick in his voice. “Atrani, I am so sorry.”

He took a hesitant step forward, touching his muzzle to the side of her head.

“Let’s go find your father.”

***

He led her slowly, helping her find her path through the Tephra vegetation. Dovev was her father, he reminded himself. He couldn’t kill him. Even though he desperately wanted to. He swallowed down the fury that raged inside of him, turned a blind eye to the grief that threatened to break him, even ignored the self-loathing that rose up bitterly in his throat. He would have time to work his way through all of those emotions in due time. For now, right now, all he needed to be was a caretaker for the little girl.

He needed to help her find what was left of her family.

When they finally came near the two, his gold-flecked gaze sharpened on Leliana, the tear spilling down her cheek, the small trembles that raced through her body. He took a step forward, and then stopped, remembering the little girl at his side. He glanced down at her, and then looked toward Dovev, his face a barely contained mask of rage. “Dovev,” the name was a bullet on his tongue; it took everything within him to not stomp forward and tear the thin stallion limb from limb. To watch him bleed out.

“Your daughter was looking for you,” his voice was softer now as he glanced down at the young girl by his side and then back to Leliana, trying to catch her gaze—to make sure that she was okay. But she wouldn’t look at him. Wouldn’t look at anything except the young girl, the grief plain to read on her face.

Magnus looked back to Dovev again, hardening.

“Maybe it’s time for you to take her home.”

out of the blue out into the loneliest place that you'll ever know
I carried the world just as far as I could but the damage had taken its toll

@[Atrani]

[Atrani]

Atrani

”You knew her?” Her head tilts, hungry for answers. And there, for the first time in the conversation, the child smiles. Such a weak contortion of her face it is, but it trembles across her lips for a heartbeat until her muzzle lowers again. ”I wish I was able to get to know her,” the admission is painful, spoken on a tongue that has only tasted hurt and rejection. Mother forced herself to kiss her newborn, to love her in those first moments of life, but Atrani sensed how much she was actually loathed. She was a reminder to mother of what she had experienced, of the betrayal she endured.

But she wouldn’t have left if it were not for father and the other woman.

They, combined, were the destruction of Cerva.

Atrani loves father, but she cannot – will not – forgive him so easily as he wants.

She is content lying here in the grass, drinking in the smells and sounds, but she notices the sudden urgency in Magnus. He wants to find Dovev. Atrani shivers in her place and she hesitates, afraid. ”He will be mad,” she whispers disapprovingly of herself, but then, before she forces herself to her feet, she adds, ”Tephra. What is Tephra? That’s all mother told me.” She doesn’t realize that mother wanted her here, safe and sheltered.

------

Atrani obediently follows Magnus. She finds enjoyment in his touch, his warmth, the softness of his skin. He doesn’t have the rigidity of father or the forceful nudges. Instead, he caters to her. One slow step after another, a warning here and there. Magnus guides her with a compassionate heart in which she admires and clutches onto when they’ve drawn to a halt.

The air is thick. There is tension. There is mistrust.

What has she done?

A lump forms in her throat, choking her of words as she presses herself further into Magnus. His shoulder is her wall, her shield underneath father’s burning gaze.

Hide. Hide now.

But why? Is there really anything for her to fear? The world is dark, her happiness minimal. Can she be destroyed more than she already is?

A breath catches in her throat as she tries to feed off the fury that’s pulsing underneath Magnus’ skin. He’s seething. She can almost taste the racing of his heart and so she tries to harness this for herself, even if only a moment. Hushed footsteps lure her from the buckskin’s side to his chest, using the outline of his body as her navigational map. She is meek in comparison to Magnus, but it doesn’t stop her now. ”Father,” she doesn’t say his name because her senses are lit by the scent of the female. Her head sightlessly turns, like a doll’s neck snapping to attention. ”It’s you,” the scent hits her like a wall, stronger now than the day she was born. ”He came back here for you,” she vocalizes her suspicions, confirming them to a group that has already realized, ”so soon after mother.” She doesn’t say death, or disappearance, because it hurts too much still.

There is no need to say more, to confess her losses, to admit that she truly is irrelevant in this bitter world.

Backing up, Atrani finds Magnus’ warmth and presses herself back into his shoulder.

dove into her eyes and starved all the fears

picture by haenuli shin- HTML by Call - words: ________

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

His words were firm, harsh, and perhaps part of her would have been cowed by them, but she doesn’t. She steps back as he does, her eyes finding his, searching them. “I could never leave you,” the words hung in the air, but she remained distant. “It’s never been an option for me.” Even when she was his second choice, even when he had turned from her—even when every inch of her rebelled against this all.

She had lost that choice a long time ago.

“I—I told you, Dovev.” Another tear falling down her cheek. “I love you.” She drew a steadying breath, swallowing. “Even if you…only care for me. I still love you.” Even when she didn’t know him—at least not all of him. She still didn’t know the full truth of his love with Cerva. She didn’t know why he had lost his memory or why his body was always broken and battered whenever she found him. There were things that he kept distant from her, but it didn’t matter, because she had loved him from the very first.

But their privacy was shattered when the gold stallion and the filly approached. “Magnus,” the word barely left her mouth before she focused on the child, and she exhaled suddenly, the air whooshing out of her mouth. “Oh,” her healing reached forward for the child, wrapped around her, through her, but other than a few minor aches, a few minor bruises, there was nothing for her to heal. She couldn’t bring her eyes back, couldn’t bring her mother back. Her magic was powerless in this situation. She was useless.

“Your daughter,” she knew the truth of it, but still it stung, and she glanced away to look at Dovev for a moment, grief clear in the lines of her face. She looked to Atrani, and her heart shattered in her chest, the pain radiating throughout her. “I am so sorry,” the words were soft but in the silence, they carried.

“I am so sorry.”

What had she done?

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow