this is all of me for all the world to see; leliana

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

Conflicting emotions warred in her chest.

The mother is gone.

Cerva.

She remembered the way Zoryn had yelled the name, spat it—the way Dovev had responded, had run away. The memory played endlessly in her mind, on loop, bringing all of the feelings front and center for her to try and untangle, try to make sense of. She shook her head, the tears still there. “Oh,” a soft cry, soft and broken and ringing with pain. That’s why he had come. The mother was gone. She was gone.

Everything moved in slow motion, but her heart pounded in her chest. He reached for her, and she yielded if only because she had no real control over her body. She folded in his side and felt his mouth on her neck, her throat. She felt the way that he was searching for something, hunting for something. Was that all she was? First, a distraction—something to ease the brokenness of loss. And now, a balm.

Something to help him forget again.

She swallowed painfully, the tears not leaving her eyes, her breath shallow. “Dovev,” she whispered his name and hated how much it sounded right on her tongue—hated how even now, in agony, her voice wrapped around it lovingly. “Is that why you came today?” She didn’t move, remained curled against him because she was weak—too weak to push him away, too weak to deny herself this false love.

“I can’t heal that,” her voice was soft, so soft, and she breathed deeply. “I can’t heal the loss of her.” Even her powers couldn’t reach that far, couldn’t dip into his chest to mend a broken heart. She leaned back just slightly to find his gaze, a single tear falling down her cheek. “I wish I could, but I can’t.” Part of her, the part of her that twisted like an angry thing in her chest, wanted to ask why she was always second best.

Why he came to her when memory was gone, when Cerva had left, when there were no other options, but she knew the agony he was experiencing—knew the way that it twisted in his chest, stole his breath. She would not add to that. She refused to pile her own pain on top of his own. So instead she stood there, small trembles racing up her spine, wishing for something that she would never, would never have.

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow