03-01-2020, 11:10 PM
she fell for the idea of him
and ideas were a dangerous thing to love
and ideas were a dangerous thing to love
They are a strange pair, the two of them, and she already knows that. She should know it well enough to know that trying to turn this – whatever it may be – into something more than what it was would be futile. She is once again entangling herself into something that she will never be able to escape from, and yet never make it any further than where she is now. It’s why her going to the mountain in the first place had been such a peculiar thing for her to do. She was foolish, but rarely was she actually stupid. Almost never did she do anything that was an actual risk. It was so much easier to pretend she didn’t care; to pretend she was fine with being used, that she was fine with being an afterthought. That she didn’t care about any of them just as much as they didn’t care about her.
She thinks of being locked in the cave with Ashhal, and how she had dared to give him even a glimpse at how she really felt. How he had shut down and shut her out, and fled the instant he had the chance.
She looks at Atrox, at the wide open space all around them, and she wonders if her previous wounds have calloused enough in preparation for another rejection.
For some reason his laugh almost chases the tension away, because it makes her laugh in return and shake her head at him. “I know, I do a lot of stupid things. Maybe someday you can rank them for me.”
But after the sound has died, after it has faded away across the lake, she feels that ache spread across her chest again. They are both quiet for a long while, and there is a moment where she thinks maybe she will just swallow the words and never speak them. That him not knowing would be better, that she could just carry the failure with her forever and he would be none the wiser.
When she finally speaks again into the thick of the silence, her voice feels detached, the words echoing in her own ears when she says, “I tried to get your heart back.” She doesn’t look at him, staring first at the glass-like surface of the water, and then to the ground. “I’m sorry.”
She thinks of being locked in the cave with Ashhal, and how she had dared to give him even a glimpse at how she really felt. How he had shut down and shut her out, and fled the instant he had the chance.
She looks at Atrox, at the wide open space all around them, and she wonders if her previous wounds have calloused enough in preparation for another rejection.
For some reason his laugh almost chases the tension away, because it makes her laugh in return and shake her head at him. “I know, I do a lot of stupid things. Maybe someday you can rank them for me.”
But after the sound has died, after it has faded away across the lake, she feels that ache spread across her chest again. They are both quiet for a long while, and there is a moment where she thinks maybe she will just swallow the words and never speak them. That him not knowing would be better, that she could just carry the failure with her forever and he would be none the wiser.
When she finally speaks again into the thick of the silence, her voice feels detached, the words echoing in her own ears when she says, “I tried to get your heart back.” She doesn’t look at him, staring first at the glass-like surface of the water, and then to the ground. “I’m sorry.”
ryatah