07-22-2020, 03:41 PM
“I know when you go
down all your darkest roads
I would have followed all the way
to the graveyard.”
down all your darkest roads
I would have followed all the way
to the graveyard.”
Sleeping next to him comes with a faint flicker of guilt. She has never been very good at staying in one place – not even with Skellig. Tephra had never felt like home, and that had always been her excuse. It made her feel restless, it made her feel trapped, to be expected to be somewhere. And the more something told her where she thought she should, the harder it was for her to be there.
Like Hyaline.
Like with Atrox.
And that was such a ridiculous way for her to feel since he had never given her the impression that he wanted her to stay there.
She doesn't admit to herself that that is why she keeps leaving; she doesn't admit to herself that she recognizes the same self-destructive tendencies that had developed with Skellig, that she wanted to see just how far she could push Atrox before he snapped on her.
She does not let herself get accustomed to what it feels like to sleep next to Illum, but she allows herself to pretend. She lets herself pretend this was forever, she lets him hold her and trail touches and kisses across every part of her whenever he wishes. Allows him to make her his own, lets him lay claim to pieces of her that no one else will touch.
She had told him this would not be forever, but she is a selfish liar clear to the core, and she does nothing to keep the distance between them.
His touch and his voice, low but sweet when spoken into the warmth of her skin, stirs her awake. She says nothing at first, only shifts closer to him, though the frost of his skin sends a shiver up her spine. She laughs at what he says, a hushed sound, afraid of disturbing the peace of the morning. “I don't think there's anyone that cares who or what I smell like,” she tucks her head beneath his chin, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his throat as she does.
She leans into his touch with a soft, contented sigh, having forgotten what it felt like to just be with someone. Someone where one false move or remark did not end in punishment, someone that actually wanted to keep her and showed it to her in every way imaginable.
She hates herself for how that makes her skin itch; she hates herself for knowing she will abandon this light for the all-consuming dark, eventually.
Her heart flutters in her throat, though, when he touches the swell of her side. Neither of them had spoken of it, but of course, they both knew. She never quite knew how to navigate this, since typically those that she was with didn't seem to care one way or the other. Most of her children grew up only knowing their father's names, and that had been her lifestyle for so long that it made the normal situations feel strange. It was easier to ignore it than to acknowledge it. Living in denial was just a default state for her at this point.
“What do you want to know?” She asks him, smoothing away the frost off the surface of his neck to place a kiss to the cool skin beneath it. “I'm really not all that interesting, but you know I will tell you anything.” There is a small part of her that hopes that the more she tells him, the less that he will want her. That maybe he will realize what a mess she is, and that he does not want to deal with all the tangles and twists and turns that came with her.
And she knows that is only a small part of what is wrong with her; that she will break herself apart to be what she thinks someone like Carnage or Atrox wants her to be, but when faced with someone like Illum she subconsciously only hopes to eventually chase him away.
Like Hyaline.
Like with Atrox.
And that was such a ridiculous way for her to feel since he had never given her the impression that he wanted her to stay there.
She doesn't admit to herself that that is why she keeps leaving; she doesn't admit to herself that she recognizes the same self-destructive tendencies that had developed with Skellig, that she wanted to see just how far she could push Atrox before he snapped on her.
She does not let herself get accustomed to what it feels like to sleep next to Illum, but she allows herself to pretend. She lets herself pretend this was forever, she lets him hold her and trail touches and kisses across every part of her whenever he wishes. Allows him to make her his own, lets him lay claim to pieces of her that no one else will touch.
She had told him this would not be forever, but she is a selfish liar clear to the core, and she does nothing to keep the distance between them.
His touch and his voice, low but sweet when spoken into the warmth of her skin, stirs her awake. She says nothing at first, only shifts closer to him, though the frost of his skin sends a shiver up her spine. She laughs at what he says, a hushed sound, afraid of disturbing the peace of the morning. “I don't think there's anyone that cares who or what I smell like,” she tucks her head beneath his chin, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his throat as she does.
She leans into his touch with a soft, contented sigh, having forgotten what it felt like to just be with someone. Someone where one false move or remark did not end in punishment, someone that actually wanted to keep her and showed it to her in every way imaginable.
She hates herself for how that makes her skin itch; she hates herself for knowing she will abandon this light for the all-consuming dark, eventually.
Her heart flutters in her throat, though, when he touches the swell of her side. Neither of them had spoken of it, but of course, they both knew. She never quite knew how to navigate this, since typically those that she was with didn't seem to care one way or the other. Most of her children grew up only knowing their father's names, and that had been her lifestyle for so long that it made the normal situations feel strange. It was easier to ignore it than to acknowledge it. Living in denial was just a default state for her at this point.
“What do you want to know?” She asks him, smoothing away the frost off the surface of his neck to place a kiss to the cool skin beneath it. “I'm really not all that interesting, but you know I will tell you anything.” There is a small part of her that hopes that the more she tells him, the less that he will want her. That maybe he will realize what a mess she is, and that he does not want to deal with all the tangles and twists and turns that came with her.
And she knows that is only a small part of what is wrong with her; that she will break herself apart to be what she thinks someone like Carnage or Atrox wants her to be, but when faced with someone like Illum she subconsciously only hopes to eventually chase him away.
ryatah