— I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night —
A gap forms between them after her confession and although Agetta understands, it does not soothe the hurt. He does not move away, which is something, but it is not enough for her mind to remain wholly rational. She has long feared what others would think about such shortcomings, and worse that they had been plentiful in her life. Her rational mind would tell her Garbage did not find her revolting, weak, tainted, or horrid now that he knew this truth about her.
But her rational mind was the quieter voice.
She closes her eyes, trying to battle against the wave of insecurities and unwilling to look at him. Afraid to, afraid that what she knew, what she believed, to be about him would change and it would be her fault.
When he speaks, it’s not with the derision she fears but with a gentle apology. Agetta can feel herself begin to crumble at this small act of kindness as that raging voice inside of her tells her she does not deserve it. That she brought this on herself and had no right to any sympathy. Thoughts that have been her constant companions ever since she was 3 years old and bore her first child to a stallion that did not ask, only took.
A very soft, nearly inaudible sob escapes her when he continues - giving her more kindness. It does not erase a century's worth of pain and self-loathing, of course, but it means so much that he would even offer his wishes. It soothes away the sharpest thorns in her mind. “Thank you. I do not think there is a way to fix it. I've only thought of one way but -” She opens her eyes then and looks to Holler first, making sure the girl is sleeping or not paying attention before continuing in a soft voice. “- on days like this, when I look at my daughter and with you with me… when I remember all the good things, death does not feel like the option it once was.”
Now she looks to him - dark, midnight blue eyes to his beautiful, sunrise orange. All of her pain is there, tempered only by the love she feels for him that shines there too. “I would not have considered it but I remember it being peaceful, the first time it claimed me. And peace is something I crave.” The action itself, how she had died, was not peaceful at all - but the afterlife had been until she was stirred into returning.
And then, just as soft as the rest of her words - a question. “Have you died before, my dear?” She knows his mother had, but there are gaps in her knowledge of him - what happened after that day in the Deserts and when they first met.
@[garbage]