Help me out before I drown
Save me now before I give up
He should have asked her what her vision was for Loess. What had been missing from her homeland. It would have been a better option, to find out more about her instead of trying to talk about himself. A question he would have to ask another day as the panic closes around his throat. He can hear his name, a soft whisper on her lips and a shiver ripples through him because it’s not Oceane’s voice. The muscles in his jaw tighten, teeth gritted against the onslaught of his anguish.
When she calls his name again, he clearly hears the twilight mare. It’s enough to start counting his breaths, allows him to refocus as he hones in on her words. Unable to form any of his own as the anxiety peaks. She wants a promise that he can’t make or keep. It had been foolish to think he could ever be part of society again. Already seeing this cove and this new friendship with Oceane slipping through his fingers. Her first priority was her home and her people, not a random vagabond she had found by chance. He doesn’t begrudge her that. In fact it only makes him respect her more. But now he knows this was a mistake, coming here and preying on her kindness had been a mistake. Holding on to hope had been a mistake.
“I can’t.” He finally manages after a few minutes have passed and he can breathe normally again. Turning himself to face her, water sloshing gently against his limbs as he comes slightly out of the surf. “I can’t promise that. I want to but I will not lie to you Oceane.” The weariness that follows the anxiety attack settles along the ridges of his face. Maybe it’s because he already failed to avoid the distress of his disorder or because he knows that all this is a lost cause anyways. Whatever it is loosens something within him just enough. “I would never hurt anyone intentionally. I don’t want to hurt anyone…or myself.” Not anymore.
He hesitates, trying to find the right things to say. “I had a… breakdown. After Carnage released me again.” His voice grows husky in remembrance, not even seeing Oceane before him anymore. Just the cell. Carnage. Ellyse, bleeding and wide eyed as he ripped himself apart, his blood splattering against black sand. The cries of his lost children in the distance. The failure. “I lost control.” He whispers, his gaze looking through her. “Sometimes I still hear and see things. Sometimes the anger is too much. I’ve been trying and it’s gotten better but…” He wasn’t fixed. He wasn’t fixable. How does he tell her that he goes for days without sleep because he fears his dreams or his mind refuses to release him? How can he explain what it had been like, living in Carnage’s cell (not once but twice) and being faced with the betrayal that broke his heart into a million pieces? How can she ever understand what it was like to live the life he had lived, one of constant rejection, abandonment, and pain?
It’s resignation that underlines his voice as he turns his gaze towards the cavern mouth beyond her. To the home he might have had. “You have a home to protect and people you love. I understand if I can’t be a part of that.”
Ledger
@[Oceane]