[private] there's nowhere to run from the fire she breathes

[Mazikeen]

Once the tears start, they won’t stop. They take over and she loses track of time, loses track of where she is, but the memories continue their pummeling of her heart. The guilt is too much and she understands why the emptiness had felt like a relief. Everything feels out of control now, every emotion is more vibrant than it had been before because of the contrast to what she had been for the last year and a half. Maybe this means that happiness will be brighter too but for now, she just continues to drown. The anger she can usually count on to rescue her from these depths does not rise up. As though it’s been utterly spent.

Soon, soon she’ll think about what needs to be done. Soon she’ll burn again.

For now, it is just her and Firion here on the coast. And even though the comfort is coming from such an unlikely source, it is exactly what she needs. She slowly uncurls from how she had twisted away, easing into him even though for a while his presence makes it worse. Not (only) because of their history - just because anyone seeing her like this is always frightening.

Like this as if this has happened before. But even the small handful of times Mazikeen's emotions have gotten away from her before pale in comparison to this.

Every moment that passes she becomes more aware of how she doesn’t deserve this from Firion - not the way he drapes his head over her or the soft noises that he makes like he’s trying to soothe her. Not the way his voice is rough like her pain hurts him too. And certainly not how he stays, he gives it to her anyway, and when the sobs finally begin to fade she leans into him and the warmth he provides and even moves a little so it is a little more comfortable for them both to lay on the rocky ground together.

Her voice is strangled when it comes again, raw and absolutely wrecked from her sobs. “I’m sorry.” It’s the first of many apologies that she owes and one that she’s owed him for a long time. “I’m glad you’re here Firion… but I’m so sorry.” There’s another shaky breath and for a moment she considers shifting away to give them both space... only the thought fades away almost as soon as it comes. Because she doesn't want to risk them moving just yet and have it snap them back to how they had been before. There is a fear that is both new and old seeping in to join all the others: she does not want to lose him.

Mazikeen's been taught that such thoughts are selfish and she admonishes herself but still doesn't try for any space.

Even when she opens her eyes again, Mazikeen doesn’t ask about the rubble illuminated by his beautiful golden light. She doesn’t speak any of the questions beginning to seep through her sorrow or give more attention to her insecurities and fears, she just inhales another shaky breath and feels herself relax a little more into every point where they touch.

mazikeen