"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Her heart was heavy, so incredibly heavy within her chest. It weighed her down more than she thought it would. She had avoided her family this last week or so since her Dad had made his announcement, since the Tundra had become a regular kingdom instead of just a Bachelor kingdom. She had especially avoided Nevi. She couldn't stand to see the happiness and hope in his eyes when her own was laying around her hooves in shatters.
She had moved away from the main places of the Tundra, where most of the residents gathered. She had shied away from the caves where she knew Nevi might find comfort and she had made sure to just hide in general. She wasn't ready to see them yet, no...not yet.
She was unable to even find beauty in the Tundra as she wanders through it. Summertime was in full swing. The grasses were tall enough to tickle her belly this far north, even if the wind still could have a bit of a bite in it. There were some flowers here and there, and she was sure she could even see some reindeer there ahead of her. But she looses herself more in her heavy heart. She's lost in the fact that she cannot leave here, now not when Nevi is the happiest she has ever seen him.
They had just made these plans....
Her heart hurts.
Even with all the heaviness, even with all the pain she holds inside she is able to mask it well. She had learned to never show it, never to show your fear or your pain even when you were bleeding to death inside. She never would. Nevi would never know the pain she felt over this. She would never show him how she still bled sometimes. While she was over being abandoned and being found, one really never forgets it.
And wasn't she such a hypocrite to not show him when he had shown her.
So her face is not blank, but it doesn't show her pain and she wanders until dark falls and she finds a cave that reminds her of that night before the Tundra had become more than just a stallion kingdom. She goes into it and lays down, settling into the darker parts that reminded her of Nevi. But she faces outwards, so she can see the faint twinkling of the stars on the horizon and she waits until morning, when she knows she should probably make her way back down to the more occupied part of the Tundra.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
I didn't say anything at the meeting, but I think with all the changes Dad has made, maybe it would be fun to be a diplomat. Maybe, now that all the girls and women I love have a place here in the Tundra, I could even do a good job. Inviting people home, maintaining good kingdom relations, that all sounds a whole lot easier now that I wouldn't have to explain how really it's just for males, and any females who might want to come live there would be stuck as little more than pretty faces and companions. No rights to join the castes, or gain promotions, or anything like that. Just second class residents.
That never sat right with me.
Now that Dad changed all of that, though, I think it would be fun to tell people all about the new way things work here, and invite them to come check it out for themselves. To maybe even stay a while, if they fancy calling the Tundra home! I've been thinking hard about whether or not to go through initiation and join the peace caste; that and the way my tentative plans with Lee would fit here so much better now, it's been all I can think about since the meeting let out.
We could bring abandoned foals here instead. It's perfect! We don't have to leave, because there's room for all of us now. A place for all of us. We wouldn't be bringing little girls into a home they'd either have to leave when they're grown or stay as something less than the men who have made up the frozen kingdom in the past.
And we can stay with Argo.
I have been so excited since the meeting, so full of joy that the one thing keeping me from wanting to stay here in the Tundra has been resolved, that I haven't made time to talk to Lee about it. She looked so happy at the meeting, curled up against Dad with a smile on her face. We should talk; so many of our conversations are heavy, weighed down by pain and old sorrow, and this one? This is a happy talk about the future! It's good news we should celebrate together.
I set out in search of her, but it takes me hours to find her. Huh, that's weird, it almost never takes me long to find my Lee. A few minutes, maybe half an hour of wandering her favorite haunts...this time, though? It's dark when I see someone heading into a cave to curl up for the night. It may be summer, but the nights can sometimes be pretty cold still, so the caves are a good choice. Close and cozy. And I know that someone; I recognize the way she moves, the curve of her hip, the line of her back, the way the moonlight plays on her skin.
Lieschel.
I open my mouth to call out to her, but she's already disappearing into the mouth of the cave. So instead I walk on over, widening my eyes as I peer into the entrance to try to see her. It's dark, but I can hear her breathing, and when I've figured out where she is from the sound, I smile at her. “Hey, you,” I murmur, walking in and curling up next to her, settling against her and brushing my lips against the arch of her withers. “Isn't that my move, curling up alone in the dark?” I smile against her skin, thinking of the times she's come and found me. “I've missed you, Lee.” Even if it's only been a week or so.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Even in the night I know it's him. Even when the darkness is so thick and so heavy that I cannot even see my nose in front of my face, or the rock that I had been looking at just before the last lights of the sun had faded away, I knew it was him. The way his hooves scrap on the stone, the way his breaths catch in his lungs, the way the very faint outline of his shape moves. And really, I would have known it was him had I been blind. He was the only one that ever came to find me.
My smile is small, but I am thankful for the thick blanket of night, for the moon that was absent and the stars that just twinkle but offer no light. I don't have to pretend as hard, I don't have to keep that mask on that I have so carefully placed since...forever.
I had both yearned for a home and denied it.
Reasons like this were why. I shouldn't have to construct a careful mask to keep my loved ones happy. And Nevi would be so hurt with me if I didn't or if he found out.
So for now I am careful, even though he cannot see me. I hide my negative thoughts, burying them down deepdeep, so they won't intrude on our moments. And he's been so damn happy since we can all stay here. I release the sigh I had been holding as a deep breath instead and smile more fully at him. "Hey Nevi." And it's full of the greeting and the love we share. He settles against me and I raise my head up, giving him my attention even if he cannot see it. He would always hold my attention and my good intentions. He would always hold my heart and probably never realize it.
I do manage a smile at his words, although he cannot see it. "It was dark and my walk took me farther than I thought so I figured it was safer to shelter here." I touch my lips to his neck, as it's larger than his cheek and I know I won't miss. I don't linger like I want to, instead just enjoying his warmth as the nights get cooler. "I've missed you too Nevi." Like the breath I can't quite catch since Dad's announcement. But I'm just so damn glad the light is on in Nevi's eyes that I don't miss the breath as much as I ought to.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
I can't see her face, but I can hear the smile in her voice, in the shape of the words and the tone as she says my name. I can't see her face, but I can feel the way her muscles move against me, feel the shift in her position as she turns to look at me even in the dark. I've caught myself doing the same more than a few times, turning to face her, just to look at her, just to let my eyes take her in. Noticing all the little spots where she's just begun to grey, wanting to reach out and touch each spot where the black has faded, like getting to know her all over again.
“That was a good idea,” I murmur, idly trailing the soft of my nose along the line of her shoulder. “These caves, they're a good place to take shelter. A lot nicer when there's somebody with you.” Pressed up against you, keeping you warm, driving you just a little bit crazy with the soft sighs and content little sleep sounds. Driving you a little crazier still when they shift in their sleep, brushing up against you, cuddling closer, curling into you like you're the safest place in the whole world.
“But alone is okay too in a pinch.” Maybe smarter even. I'm not stupid; I know I shouldn't be thinking about her like that. I shouldn't notice the way the dim starlight catches just so in the liquid depths of her dark brown eyes. I shouldn't think about her hair in the moonlight. I shouldn't think about the taste of her skin when I brush my lips against her. Holding her close like this should be something quiet and peaceful and innocent, and it is. Almost.
Almost.
“I've missed you too, Nevi,” she murmurs with her lips against my neck, and I turn my head to touch the corner of my lips to her cheek. I love the sound of my name on her lips, the way it always sounds like home. It will always remind me of the way she so gently turned away my demand that she call me Neverwas, because it was all I deserved. “You are my Nevi,” she had murmured, her lips so close to my skin. Just like now. “I will always call you that.” Seeing into the dark, and embracing it without reservation. She's the best friend anyone could ask for, so much better than I deserve.
I shouldn't want the taste of her on my lips. So I let out a slow, careful breath before drawing another one in and leaning into her. “Where did you go, Lee?” I ask, and the words mean more than I thought they would. I've missed her by my side, missed the way she burrows into my souls and lights me up from the inside. I've missed her voice, missed the way her forelock falls over her face, missed the feel of her next to me as I try to sleep.
I didn't put it together before, too busy riding the high of Dad's announcement, but she's been distant. Not upset, not angry or offended, nothing that obvious. This is quieter, subtler, not even written on her face or in her eyes. It's the space between our bodies, something in the way the air there trembles, I don't know. Maybe it's something small, a little extra weight to her words when she said she missed me. I haven't seen her in a week or more, and I can't remember the last time that happened. “Do you need to talk, love?”
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
"Do you need to talk, love?"
My eyes close at the pain that spears itself through my heart. I do. I need to unload so much but how can I when it's the one thing that makes him so damn happy. I swear I'm surprised that he's not glowing with how happy he had been at Dad's announcement. I shouldn't want to lean into him and tell him it all. There's something there that is just a little bit more than brother and sister. Something with just a little more weight than normal love.
I'm pretty sure I fell head over heels in love with him. I'm pretty sure that that moment when he let me in, let me past all those high walls and broken shards of glass that I fell...hard. One moment I had just been holding him close, doing what I could to mend those broken shards and then...my heart had stumbled and then fallen.
What kind of a shitstorm would that bring down on our family? Could we ever even let it be more than anything more than a few stolen kisses in the dark? Glancing looks, small touches that set my heart on fire? Could we let it be anything more even just to keep our family unhurt? Would mom and dad look at us with disgust? I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't take away the one thing that he had always wanted. Family, and love. He just wanted to belong and even if mom was gone and dad was busy, they had still taken us in and loved us.
I had been alone long enough that the distance wouldn't hurt me. I'd expect it after all, even if I would think it was stupid. We weren't even blood related, so what difference would it make?
Ugh, so do I want to talk? Yes. Yes Nevi I do. But I can't because it will break your damn heart. And I can't do that.
So I smile, snuggling closer to him, pressing my side against him until we are touching everywhere. I touch my nose to his neck and trail it lightly up to settle in the hollow right behind his cheek. "I'm okay." I say, but maybe maybe we can talk about our plans and I can let a little bit of this out. "What do you think of Dad's announcement?" I say finally after a little bit of a pause. My head dropping to lay near his chest, draped across one of his legs.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
She moves against me, nestling into my side until there's no space between our bodies, blurring the line where she ends and I begin. No, not blurring it at all, but drawing it into focus so sharp I can barely breathe. All I can think about is every inch of my skin that's touching hers, and the way her nose trails up my neck and rests near my jawline. All I can feel is the heat that races through me at that touch, the way it makes my whole body tingle, makes my heart pound, makes my lips yearn to be pressed against her, trailing little kisses along her neck, her shoulder.
My breathing is a little ragged when I try to answer her, try to focus on the question she's asked instead of the feel of her breath on my skin. It's a little easier to think when she rests her head across my leg, but only a little. I trail my lips along the crest of her neck, stroking her hair while I consider her question. “Well, I'm happy about it. The changes he made mean that in the eyes of the kingdom, men and women are equal. As it should be. You, Mari, Lissie, Isle, our new baby sister, all of the people I love who are female can have a real place here if they want it.”
If they want it. Mari has already declared she would like to become a diplomat. None of the rest of my siblings have made any such decisions yet, nor have I. There's no real rush, and we're all welcome as always to stay without swearing ourselves to the kingdom and facing the cave initiation. Lis and Eione are young yet, enough that there's no reason to even ask. But Lee and Argo? The two of them are more important to me than where I live. If they both want to stay, I will too. If not...?
It didn't occur to me to wonder before. How dumb, not to think of the question sooner. I need to talk to Argo and see what he wants to do too. Later. Right now, though? Right now, there is Lee, pressed up against me, making my skin tingle and stirring fire in my belly. I shouldn't, but I rub my cheek against Lee's hair, then brush my lips along the line of her jaw and up to trace the edge of her ear.
“What do you want, Lee?” I murmur there against the curve of her ear, and I tell myself I'm only asking about the kingdom meeting. Of course that's all. I'm not imagining her looking up at me in the faint hint of moonlight that filters into the cave, her dark brown eyes searching mine. Seeing a spark of heat flare in those liquid depths, hearing the catch in her breath as she draws it in, hesitates just a second before whispering, You. I want you.
Dammit, Neverwas, you have to stop. Sighing, I rest my head against the cool cave wall, closing my eyes and taking deep, slow breaths. Cold rock, solid and steady, feel that. Focus on that. I can't quite bring myself to pull away, even if it would be smarter. Even if it would be easier than feeling every rise and fall of her chest against mine.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I should pull away. I should put distance between us. I should stop this. I should look at him and smile and walk away. I should do something other than just sitting here and reveling in the way his skin connects to mine and the way our breaths mingle. Instead of just sitting here and listening to his words and his heart beat and in general just wonder about a life with him. Like falling asleep every night listening to him. Pressing kisses to every part of him. Living without feeling like what I feel is dirty.
I should leave. I should just go and wander and make some sort of a life somewhere else. Would he fight to keep me here I wonder? No, because he would want me to be happy and if that what it took then he would let me go, even if his insides were shattering like glass.
Being an adult...Wait. An adult. When had that happened? When had I become a grown mare all tucked into adulthood?
I nod at his words, smiling slightly. "Yeah, that is a good thing. I am glad that females can chose now." I don't say me. Because I don't even know if I want to stay. I don't even know if I can stay if I have to look at Nevi every day and not self combust. The way his lips touch my hair, and his cheek brushes against it. My eyes close in some sort of happiness and guilt. I should stop this.
He probably didn't even think of me that way.
Let's ignore the fact that I feel like I have seen something in the way his lips touch mine or the way his eyes caress me. Let's ignore all that and chalk it up to my hopes.
His lips tingling at my ear, sending more fire through my veins and my eyes pop open. What do I want? Oh so much.
"I want you Nevi. I want our plans and I want to tell you I love you so fucking much that I feel like my blood is on fire. Not like a sister should. I want this guilt at loving you like this to go away. I want the worry that our family will hate us and not understand or even try to to leave me alone. I want to leave, to go find a herdland and settle there away from our dad and our mom who aren't really around anymore anyways. I want to bring home tiny little babies that aren't loved and do so much better than our parents."
I sigh, turning my head away from his, unable to even look at him in the darkness. I wait, wait for the reaction that I'm scared will happen. His body will stiff and then he will distance himself from me. Just enough that my fucking heart will break in my chest. But there, I told him and damn the consequences. I was tired of living a half life.
But if he tells me he loves me back?
No, I don't even dare to hope.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
“I want you, Nevi.”
My eyes fly open, searching out hers in the dark. I can barely breathe, and heat rushes through me, my heart racing in my chest. She wants me? She wants me? That can’t be right. God, Nevi, listen to what she’s saying, you probably misinterpreted. Just wishful thinking. Just imagining it so hard you think you’re hearing it.
But no.
I know exactly what she means, that feeling like her blood is on fire, like every single touch just stokes the flame. Every should-be-innocent brush of lips against skin, of cheek against hair, every time our skin touches all I see is her. All I can think about is her. All I want is to touch her more, to know the taste of her skin, to hold her, to--fucking listen.
She wants to leave. God, she wants to leave, wants to be away from all the people who love us, who have been...they’ve been everything to me. They’ve been everything, because Lee pushed and coaxed and used those gorgeous brown eyes of hers and begged me to let her in. To let her past all the pretend happy and let her see how much hurt I was hiding. And that..that helped me out a lot with all the fucked up feelings from being abandoned. For just a day.
Lee was alone so much longer.
I don’t think she wants to talk about Mom and Dad right now, or about being abandoned. Idiot. Just fucking kiss her.
“I want you too, Lee. So much I can’t think straight just looking at you. You touch me, and all I can think about is touching you back. A quick kiss, burying my face in your hair, all the while wondering if I’m going a little too far, lingering a little too long, and it’s never enough. I want more.” Not fair of me, I know. I’m supposed to be her brother. And even if I can’t do that right, then I should at least love her right. Like Mom and Dad, the way they look at each other like there’s no one else in the whole world for either of them.
I can’t do that. Another thing I can’t do right, when any time I see Argo...
With a sigh, I rest my forehead against hers, taking a moment to just breathe in her scent. My Lee. What the fuck is wrong with you? Just kiss her, just touch her, she said she wants you. You want her. You love her, It’s not that complicated. Or it doesn’t have to be. And it’s not like she doesn’t know. She’s seen the way I look at him, the quiet ache of yearning when he touches me, the way I wish...the way I wish those words would come from him too.
“I love you too, Lee. I...I want...I want out little herd of lost boys and girls too. And I want to be with you. I..” I trail off, groaning and pressing my lips to the corner of her mouth.
But there is a difference, isn’t there? There’s a difference between seeing the way I melt into him at the slightest touch and knowing for sure. Just like there’s a difference between hoping someone wants you and hearing the words coming from their lips. I drag my lips up toward her cheek, breaking away, my heart pounding in my chest. “I want you too, Lee. But.” I can’t meet her eyes, not...not now. My gaze drops to the ground, and I bite my lip, trying to hold it in, trying to find a softer way to say it, a better way to say it than, “but Argo.”
Don’t be a coward. Look her in the eye.
God, that’s easier said than done. She’ll hate me, I’ll break her heart before we even start, and telling her will destroy any chance I ever had with her. But what kind of man would I be if I didn’t say the words? So I tear my gaze from the ground and force myself to meet those gorgeous brown eyes of hers when I say, “I...you need to know that I love him too.”
The tender muscles along his shoulders ache deeply, penetrating the usual solemn expression that he carries - rippling a grimace of deep-set pain that causes him to clench his jaw with each limping step. Though the battle had been intense, the adrenaline had kept both the effects of the poison and the heavy anguish of his various flesh wounds at bay - until the long journey home, riddled with weary thoughts and an old, familiar loneliness. When he returned, the sun had already fallen below the horizon and the fractured, injured King quietly pressed on through the quiet, pristine evenfall as the last glimpse of sunlight faded beyond the tips of the mountains far off in the distance.
His dark pelt, scarred as it always had been, was still tainted with dried blood and along his neck lay fresh wounds dug into delicate tissue and fat deposits. His eyes, worn with fatigue, surveyed the serene permafrost-encased land that lay before him. He had given himself to protect it; to defend it and to uphold the honor of his allies. He had neglected to bring any of his men - or women - into it. It was a war he needed to wage alone, without the weight and burden of putting anyone else in the crossfire. The poison still managed to eat away at the very irritable, sapped edges of his soul, which felt so restless in contrast to his worn, weary body.
He lingers for a moment, his breath heavy with the icy chill (oh, how it soothes him in a way - he had missed it, and the warmth of the summer sun had not been kind to his aching body) as he pauses to dwell on how even the very existence of his bones cause his brow to furrow in agony. He swallows the ache, still, pressing forward. He did not want to bring attention to his condition, nor obtain the pity or concern of his loved ones - but he craved to see familiar eyes; to remember why he had fought so terribly hard. Had it all been a terrible nightmare? Was the sharp blade that delved into his old wounds a figment of his imagination? Had the massive, three-headed beast been an illusion? Was the poison that Lagertha oozed so heavily into his open wound beginning to eat away at his neurons; destroying the very fiber of what remained of his sanity?
He knew naught, but a gentle murmuring draws his attention away from his own self-loathing. His muscles still protest angrily, though he ignores it, as he begins to slowly tread towards an open cave system. He knew his many children hid away within the confines once the sun fell, and maybe even the gentle reminder of their voices could bring him some semblance of normalcy. He stumbles for a moment as the poison takes hold again, causing him to flinch as he regains his posture. He pushes on, regardless, but stops at once - there are two hushed voices, murmuring not only with intention, but with fervent desire.
A frown pulls at his whiskered lips; had he missed the youth of his children? Were they so grown, so beyond their innocence that they were engaging in something carnal so soon? A longing pang for days long since passed chews away at the grievous wound within his heart (he had not seen Isle in many days; he knew it would not be a welcome homecoming to see her again - this always remained in the back of his mind, for nothing he could say or do could change it now), and quietly, he listens. Lieschel. Neverwas. Desire? Want?
A flash of fury rises in his chest, but he is too tired, too far gone to do anything but stifle it. He cannot be furious, not until he tucks himself away for a few days and allows his wounds - both emotional and physical - to heal. Instead, sorrow fills his still aching heart. His children, once so innocently close, making heated promises - to each other? A shade of shame shadows his heart and mind, provoked further by the mention of his biological son, Argo. Three of his children? Where had he been; how had he missed it? The whispers grow more hushed, and he cannot simply ignore it.
He steps forward, his massive form - scarred, bloodied and heavily leaning against the hard stone of the cave entrance - making an obvious appearance as he eclipses the gentle, romantic moonlight. He peers down upon them, tangled up with their whiskered lips too close, their bodies entangled in a way that suggests so much more is within reach for them. His heart pounds heartily several times against his chest, and soon, he finds his voice, ragged and war-torn as it is.
"I have failed you, haven't I?" He rumbles softly. The words sound foreign, yet they are his, all the same. "I have failed you both. Your mother and I both have. We should have been there; should have listened. You are too young," He muses now, searing red eyes set upon them. "you have no idea what love entails. Neither of you. Not the love of you speak of. It is more painful and complex than either of you could imagine."
He knows that his children are not ignorant to the change shifting within their family caste; he and Isle had seen each other sparingly and their words were often bitter, hurtful and resentful. Though he aches to hold her close, he cannot anchor his beloved wanderer any longer, and it is only a matter of time until he parts from her entirely, leaving the broken pieces of him behind. He had been a fool to think anything more of their union - he was not meant for love; he was not meant for happiness.
Perhaps no one was.
Perhaps it is an empty promise.
A collection of delicately-woven lies.
"If you want to leave, I will not stop you." His eyes are now set upon Lieschel, his heart still stinging from her words. Words she did not think he was likely to ever hear. "But you will always belong here, with me. With the Tundra. If you should ever need it."
I'm sorry, he doesn't say, but he isn't sure what good it would do anyway.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Holy Hell. He wanted me too. My face turns back to him in shock, in surprise, in awe. I can't even find my voice because this is not what I had expected to happen. I had thought he would step away, back away from me and what I was offering and my life would change again. I would be alone. Again. And this time....perhaps even before...it was no one's fault but myself. Probably because I was just too normal in a sea of everything abnormal.
But he rests his face against my own and I inhale his scent. I love the way he smelled. He smiled like home. Dampness from the caves. And the brisk winter scent of outside. Even when it was warm, the Tundra always had that brisk smell. I probably smelled like it as well, not to mention some evergreen and wildflowers that I had been wandering through earlier.
"I want you too Lee.....but." I swear to myself I will never let him see the pain that one tiny word causes me. I blink it away, pulling myself up and tilting my head ever so slightly to adjust the way I can see him. It's nothing more than a way to mask myself as I pull away just a little bit. To give myself some cushion as he starts to explain to me why we can't be together.
Except he doesn't. He talks about Argo and I cannot help the smile that crosses my face. "I know Nevi." My lips finding his forehead and then his cheek. "I'm okay with that." Nevi had always had a soft spot for Argo. Maybe it's why I clung to Nevi so desperately sometimes. I had to make sure that I wasn't alone again. That I still had something with Nevi and while I followed him and was with him whenever I could be.
But I hear something outside and I surge to my legs to meet it face on no matter what it was. It was big and then....it speaks as it stops in the cave entrance. "Dad?" I'm horrified at what he might have heard, at what he had obviously heard even as anger stirs itself in my heart. When he is done, I say nothing for a moment and even as I draw myself up, silently barricading my heart away for now. "Yeah, you did. You adopted me and then I was left here with nothing but Nevi, my brother...but not my brother. And I fell in love with him because he loved me back and wasn't afraid to let me lean on him when I needed him. Where were you dad? Where was mom? Both of you too broken and selfish and fighting to realize what was happening. To realize any of us were still hurting."
"So yes, you failed me. And it fucking hurt. To know I wasn't good enough for a second family to care." Tears cling to my eyes but I don't let them fall. My body tense, my muscles tight. "God. I would have given anything once just for a day with you without something else coming up. And I wish it would stop hurting and that I could stop loving you sometimes. I can't be here and watch you with Mom and these new babies you keep having because your love is broken and you don't know how else to fix it." I step away from Nevi. I step away from my Dad. Because I might as well get all this out now, so when I leave, I know I do it with a clean slate.
I keep talking to keep Dad's attention on me. To make him think this was my fault, so Nevi can stay and not have to see the disappointment in Dad's eyes. I knew Nevi loved them, lived for this family and I wouldn't take it away from him, not if he still wanted it. "What does any of us know of love until we live it? I know I love you and I love Mom. And it fucking hurts like glass slicing ribbons in my chest. And I love Nevi, who's the only one that soothes those cuts a little. And Maribel, my ray of sunshine on a dreary day." I can't say Argo, because him and I never really had that bond. Nor did Lissie and I. That wolf attack had changed something in our family that day.
"And I can't help how I feel. I have tried until I cannot stand it anymore. I don't know what else to do."
I want to touch Dad, curl up against his side like I used to, but I broke something else. Shattered it really and who knows if Dad will ever really be okay with this. With me. I quiet for a long time, my eyes on my dad and doing my damnnest to protect Nevi as I would always do.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
