12-23-2018, 02:29 AM
He looked away from her, and her face fell. Oh. Okay. He...maybe didn’t want--oh. She curled in on herself a little, barely fighting off the urge to shift into something small and hidey. That wasn’t the flicker of heat she remembered seeing in his eyes, or want in the way his voice echoed in her head. He just sounded sad when he said he missed how they used to be too. Maybe...she guessed she’d gotten kinda skinny, and she still had that ugly singe where the hair had just begun to grow back, and...maybe he didn’t want her anymore?
Maybe this sad, pathetic wreck of a girl she’d become wasn’t very...attractive.
Yeah, okay, she answered, her heart aching at the way maybe kinda felt like oh um no thanks. Especially when he asked if there were anything else he could do to help her. Okay. It was okay. He didn’t wanna kiss her anymore, didn’t wanna touch her, no big deal, that definitely didn’t make her throat hurt or her eyes burn, and she for sure was not gonna cry.
Had she lost that too? She could bear losing home, losing Taiga, losing Uncle Ru, could bear the whole world falling apart and ending and changing, time warping and stealing them away, god, she could do it, even if she was barely holding on, but him? If she lost him too, she thought she might die, might just stop trying, stop making herself eat when everything tasted like ash in her mouth, stop making herself drink when every swallow felt like the water rising up to choke her and steal the breath from her lungs, might just lay down and die of a broken heart if she lost him too.
He was there, though, just...maybe just not how they used to be, all wild and free, eyes wide and hearts racing and--no, it was selfish to ask him to be like that with her when she wasn't like that anymore either. When she was...this.
She closed her eyes tight against the sudden welling up of tears, ducked her head to hide her face, so dumb, she was so dumb to think--shouldn’t have asked, she was too broken, all the joy and the light gone from her eyes and her smile, almost nothing left of her to want anymore, why would he? Sorry, she whispered so, so softly in her head. Sure. Just...just hold me? That was safe, right? It wasn’t asking him to do anything he didn’t already do. Just don’t let go?
Maybe you could sing to me? That would be nice too. Talking to him here in her head felt the best, always made her feel so safe and warm and wrapped up in love, just like when he held her under his wing. But he had the most beautiful voice, and hearing it out loud made her ears happy, made her heart lighter, made some of the tension melt out of her body. She could listen to him sing or talk or both, all day.
Maybe this sad, pathetic wreck of a girl she’d become wasn’t very...attractive.
Yeah, okay, she answered, her heart aching at the way maybe kinda felt like oh um no thanks. Especially when he asked if there were anything else he could do to help her. Okay. It was okay. He didn’t wanna kiss her anymore, didn’t wanna touch her, no big deal, that definitely didn’t make her throat hurt or her eyes burn, and she for sure was not gonna cry.
Had she lost that too? She could bear losing home, losing Taiga, losing Uncle Ru, could bear the whole world falling apart and ending and changing, time warping and stealing them away, god, she could do it, even if she was barely holding on, but him? If she lost him too, she thought she might die, might just stop trying, stop making herself eat when everything tasted like ash in her mouth, stop making herself drink when every swallow felt like the water rising up to choke her and steal the breath from her lungs, might just lay down and die of a broken heart if she lost him too.
He was there, though, just...maybe just not how they used to be, all wild and free, eyes wide and hearts racing and--no, it was selfish to ask him to be like that with her when she wasn't like that anymore either. When she was...this.
She closed her eyes tight against the sudden welling up of tears, ducked her head to hide her face, so dumb, she was so dumb to think--shouldn’t have asked, she was too broken, all the joy and the light gone from her eyes and her smile, almost nothing left of her to want anymore, why would he? Sorry, she whispered so, so softly in her head. Sure. Just...just hold me? That was safe, right? It wasn’t asking him to do anything he didn’t already do. Just don’t let go?
Maybe you could sing to me? That would be nice too. Talking to him here in her head felt the best, always made her feel so safe and warm and wrapped up in love, just like when he held her under his wing. But he had the most beautiful voice, and hearing it out loud made her ears happy, made her heart lighter, made some of the tension melt out of her body. She could listen to him sing or talk or both, all day.