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save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Ryatah - 05-21-2020 “I know when you go down all your darkest roads I would have followed all the way to the graveyard.” She used to hate herself for missing him. Missing him used to feel like chaos trying to take a physical form inside of her chest, like bottling up a storm that she knew she’d never be able to control and would shatter her if she tried. She used to get hung up on how it must be wrong – something inherently wrong with her, a flaw in her design, if you could even pin it down to just one thing – to miss someone like him. She has loved the darkness all her life, but this was different. It was a want that has turned into a need, a fascination that morphed into an addiction. Her days are spent chasing a high she knows she is never going to find, because no one seems to be able to break her apart the way he can. Their teeth are sharp, but she can heal their wounds as quickly as they can inflict them. They touch her and they take her, and she lets herself think that she is theirs or they are hers, but it would be a lie to pretend he does not constantly haunt the back of her mind. Some of the thrill is lost in knowing they cannot scar her, could not even actually touch her anymore if she decided she didn’t want to allow it. She knows she is not meant to be an angel because she nearly resents the power it has given her, but she knows, with him, that he could take it all away. Having resigned herself to the idea that she will miss him whether it is wrong or right or immoral or completely absurd, she doesn’t dwell on it anymore. Missing him now is a strange feeling of emptiness clinging to her like an invisible cloak, like the storm in her chest has finally worn itself out and left a reluctant kind of peace and acceptance in its wake. And when she stands alone in this far corner of the meadow, soft and glowing in the twilight as it fades into dark, she remembers how quickly she grows tired of tranquility. ryatah please appreciate the Evanescence subject line. @[Carnage] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Carnage - 05-24-2020 @[Ryatah] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Ryatah - 05-27-2020 “I know when you go down all your darkest roads I would have followed all the way to the graveyard.” She feels him in the moments before he reveals himself; an inexplicable quickening of her pulse, an almost electric shock that races up her spine. A feeling that she’s being watched, and instead of being afraid there is an ember of hope threatening to spark in her chest – she is afraid of it being him, but more afraid that it might not be. She is afraid that it will never be him again, that the last time really was the last time, and knows it would be impossible to find a god that doesn’t want to be found. It’s this feeling that causes her to turn, to catch those familiar wine-red eyes when the shadows fall away from him, and what a foolish girl she must be that her instinct is to smile rather than to run. “Carnage,” his name is nearly a whisper in the twilight, spoken in the same soft way of hers despite their last meeting; she doesn’t seem to remember that he had slain her on the mountain top, instead only remembering that he had eventually brought her back. Her memory had a way of doing that to her, and maybe that is why now he makes her heart race for reasons other than fear. She can feel her pulse buzzing in reaction to his touch, the way he traces a path across everything he already knows. When he pauses against her throat there is a moment where her heart seems to stop and her breath goes still, and she remembers choking on blood, and Gail, and reawakening at his feet. But then he withdraws, and she lowers her haloed head to touch her mouth to his dappled shoulder, because she misses the feel of galaxies and magic and him beneath her lips. “I’ve missed you,” she says quietly in response to his question, and maybe it’s a strange thing to confess to the man that has blinded her once and killed her twice, but she supposes it’s a useless endeavor to think she can hide it. But then she too pulls away, gold-tipped wings tight to her sides when she looks up at him with the faintest hint of trepidation finally edging its way into the dark of her eyes and the questioning lilt of her voice, “But I assume you aren’t here just because you missed me, too.” ryatah RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Carnage - 06-07-2020 RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Ryatah - 06-11-2020 “I know when you go down all your darkest roads I would have followed all the way to the graveyard.” There is, maybe, a faint fluttering of delight at his admission, even if she knows coming from him it deviates from the conventional meaning. Missing her could mean anything; missing the way she looked dripping in sea water or set alight with stars, missing how bright blood looks against her porcelain skin. How fitting, though, since they were anything but conventional. She doesn’t think she could put what they are into words, and maybe that is why being with him does something to settle her – because she knows she doesn’t have to try. A dark god and a twisted angel, with their own peculiar idea of romance that only they seem to be able to follow. Something beneath her skin trembles at his praise, appeasing that toxic part of her that craves – needs – approval. But there is a disquiet, too, because she has not, recently to her knowledge, done anything worthy of it. She remains quiet when he withdraws, dark eyes watching his, uselessly trying to decipher where she thinks this is going (something she should have given up on long ago, trying to figure out the way his mind works). He asks her what she would do for him, and the answer that wants to jump reflexively to her tongue is anything. She knows him well enough to never say that, though, knows that offering him anything meant exactly that. If she offered him anything, he would take everything. Instead her words are carefully weighed, but truthful. “Almost anything,” she begins, trying to think of a situation when she might be asked to do anything for him. She knows there are few things that she wouldn’t do; she already knows her morals grow clouded and complex when it comes to him, even more so than they already are. She is almost afraid, actually, at knowing how quickly he could sway her, if needed. But she knows she has limits, she just isn’t sure what they might be. “I suppose it would depend on what, and why, I was being asked to do it.” ryatah @[Carnage] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Carnage - 06-17-2020 @[Ryatah] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Ryatah - 06-25-2020 “I know when you go down all your darkest roads I would have followed all the way to the graveyard.” She had known that he would not ask such a question for no reason. Carnage had never been one for hypothetical games, or at least, not with her. She had known that when he asked her what would you do for me? that he had every intention of finding out. Although she still, after all these years, would never claim to entirely know him, it could be argued that she knew him better than most. But he was still unpredictable in ways few could ever imagine. She expects him to hurt her, the way he has before. She expects the lair, she expects him to make her beg, she expects another sea to drown her, and mentally she is prepared for that. She does not expect the alien-like creature that comes from the brush, and a flicker of recognition flashes plainly across her face. Ripley. Only, it isn’t Ripley. They are strikingly similar, and it is clear, even without her having to ask, that it is some relation to her daughter — and to her. It makes her heart twist inside of her chest. Carnage shakes her from her strange thoughts, and she feels her blood run cold at his request. “Kill it?” She repeats, as if she may have misheard him, even though she knows she did not. She can feel her heartbeat quicken, she can feel anxiety begin to take hold — because she knows she is about to disobey him. Every part of her is warring with itself — the part of her that endlessly wanted to please was now at odds with the part of her that was too good to needlessly murder. He knows exactly how to phrase his command to make her mind spin, to make her desperately search for a solution because she would do almost anything to keep him from being angry at her (she is not sure when that part changed — when she went from just trying to stay alive, to where she is now, where she is more afraid of disappointing him than she is of being hurt). Almost anything. “I can’t,” she says softly, shrinking away from him, and from the creature. “You know that I can’t – that I wouldn’t – kill anyone.” Her dark eyes tear away from the alien creature, to look at him, a useless kind of plea that she still cannot help but to make, “Don’t ask me to be someone I’m not.” ryatah @[Carnage] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Carnage - 06-30-2020 @[Ryatah] RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Ryatah - 07-04-2020 “I know when you go down all your darkest roads I would have followed all the way to the graveyard.” She has only openly defied him once — only one time where she knows she was consciously telling him no, refusing to do something he had asked. That was a different time, in what felt like an entirely different world, but she had bore the scarred sockets of her punishment across several lifetimes. And she knows, with every fiber of her being, with every rapid beat of her heart and every rush of blood in her veins, that she is treading back into those same dangerous waters. It is worse to defy him now, she thinks. It is worse to take all their intricate history and more or less decide that it is nothing, to tell him the valley and the stars and all the things in between weren’t enough to earn her loyalty in its entirety. That with all of that he still cannot ask her to do something and have her obey without question. She is not defiant by nature. It is not like her to so adamantly refuse to do something he, of everyone, is asking, demanding. She is a fool, but she is a fool that knows him well enough to know she is not leaving here alive, or at least not unscathed. But this one last piece of morality — this piece that won’t kill, that would never intentionally cause harm — is all she has left. She flinches inwardly when he sends it to the ground, and though she wants to look away, she affords him that much, in that she doesn’t. Her eyes remain on the silent, still creature, and only lift from it when she answers him, “Dying myself is different than taking life from someone else.” Her jaw tightens, wishing she could learn when it was better to not say anything. She has no choice when he forces her forward, when he forces her leg to lift. She can feel when he releases her, and there is a moment — a half of a heartbeat, a single inhale of breath — where her resolve wavers. She could do it; she could do it, and maybe it would make him happy, maybe it would be some imaginary test that she has passed. But then her hoof finds the ground again, and she shakes her head. “No,” the word is not strong, it leaves her tongue on a whisper, a meek kind of defeat as she steps backwards again. “I would do almost anything for you, Carnage, but not this.” She looks back at him, and though her regret reflects back in her eyes, she knows he will not care. She does not beg for the mercy she knows she will not receive. “I would rather you punish me than make me do this,” and her skin flushes hot in anticipation, in fear, knowing that their strange undercurrent of twisted romance didn’t exist right now. He has killed her for lesser things, and she does not see herself getting out of this one. ryatah @[Carnage] Alexa, play "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" RE: save me from the nothing I've become - carnage - Carnage - 07-11-2020 @[Ryatah] |