11-16-2015, 10:39 AM
take everything I say with a grain of salt because everyone's style and opinions are different and that is even more true with writing.
There are some strong lines in here:
- Ma told me stories of this place, of the rolling hills and fiery pits. The vast forests and scorching desert that house the dynamic beasts that I have dreamed of seeing in person all me life. (I love the phrase 'dynamic beasts')
- Me Ma would tell me to rise. Rise to the top, to power, to the occasion. (I love the rule of threes, love the slightly different applications of 'rise')
- I am the son of Tierney and Harlequinn. I have their name to uphold. (this folds in so well with the history you're weaving)
overall I like that you're building the history (I am a slut for backstory).
for the critique, there are some basic grammatical errors (missing commas, an 'I' not capitalized, 'Ma' capitalized in one sentence where it's not in the rest, weened instead of weaned, etc). Fixing these helps with flow, readability, etc.
now for the opinion - I'm personally not a fan of the Irish thing, it feels almost...kitschy? and it might get harder and harder to maintain. If you want to keep it in (and if the character is telling you he wants it, then listen), possibly tone it down? e.g. remove the 'me ma and pa' and just write 'ma and pa' - it keeps the idea, but lessens the overwhelming brogue.
(actually thinking about it now I think the 'me' thing is what bothers me the most, but again, that's totally just my taste)
I don't know if this was helpful at all but anyway there's my opinion
There are some strong lines in here:
- Ma told me stories of this place, of the rolling hills and fiery pits. The vast forests and scorching desert that house the dynamic beasts that I have dreamed of seeing in person all me life. (I love the phrase 'dynamic beasts')
- Me Ma would tell me to rise. Rise to the top, to power, to the occasion. (I love the rule of threes, love the slightly different applications of 'rise')
- I am the son of Tierney and Harlequinn. I have their name to uphold. (this folds in so well with the history you're weaving)
overall I like that you're building the history (I am a slut for backstory).
for the critique, there are some basic grammatical errors (missing commas, an 'I' not capitalized, 'Ma' capitalized in one sentence where it's not in the rest, weened instead of weaned, etc). Fixing these helps with flow, readability, etc.
now for the opinion - I'm personally not a fan of the Irish thing, it feels almost...kitschy? and it might get harder and harder to maintain. If you want to keep it in (and if the character is telling you he wants it, then listen), possibly tone it down? e.g. remove the 'me ma and pa' and just write 'ma and pa' - it keeps the idea, but lessens the overwhelming brogue.
(actually thinking about it now I think the 'me' thing is what bothers me the most, but again, that's totally just my taste)
I don't know if this was helpful at all but anyway there's my opinion